I’ve Cheated On All My Partners & I Don’t Know If I Can Change

I’ve been unfaithful to every boyfriend I’ve had—bring that up in the early stages of any relationship and see how that goes down! It’s getting to a point where I’m worried about my future and I’m finally ready to confront some ugly truths about why I’m a serial cheater.

  1. I get bored easily. No, this isn’t just a problem for celebrities. Most of us fall into routines when we’re in relationships. We hang out with the same people and go out to the same places to do the same things. After a while, we get the itch for something new and exciting. Unfortunately, someone new and forbidden often fulfills that need for me.
  2. I hate confrontation. No relationship is without its rough patches. When I bump into one, the last thing I want to do is hash it out and get into the nitty-gritty of the why behind everything. I’d prefer to push stuff to the side and move on, but that’s not what a lot of my partners want to do, so I find that a second relationship provides the relief I need. Whether it’s online or in real life, those hours of escape help keep me sane and I still get to keep the security of a stable relationship.
  3. I’m insecure. I am a flawed person, as are many of you. Sometimes I think, why would someone want to stay with me for the rest of their lives? I fear that one day my partner will wake up and catch on to the truth about me, then leave me alone with a broken heart and no options. A lot of the time, seeing whether I can still get another guy’s attention is very comforting.
  4. I suffer from FOMO. I’ll admit that I spend too much time on social media. Even though I know that half the stuff on there isn’t real, I can’t fight the knowledge that if I was with someone else in a brand new relationship, I could be doing all those things too. Who wants to be laying on the couch watching Netflix when everyone else is on a beach somewhere living their best life?
  5. Relationships are too much work. Anyone that has maintained a healthy relationship over several years will tell you that they’ve put in a monumental amount of effort to make it happen. Long-term relationships are ridiculously complicated. Dealing with another person’s wants and needs is all fine in the beginning, but as time goes on, that leads to you having to make sacrifices. I’m 25 and still immature in some ways, but I don’t see the appeal in changing so much for another person. I fear I’ll turn into my mother and all my aunts and live with regrets. I guess I create fires so that I can escape when things start to get too serious.
  6. I like to have a backup plan. It’s not a big deal for people that have been together for decades to call it quits. I often think that if you made it that far and you still couldn’t keep it together, then what hope do I have? I’ve jumped from a relationship that was a sinking ship and straight into another with the guy I was cheating with and I continue to do things like this. It’s not something I’m proud of, especially when I have to keep several stories straight when it comes to lying to everyone else, but I’ve never lacked options.
  7. I haven’t had the best role models. My parents aren’t divorced, but sometimes I wish they were. The truth is that I haven’t had a lot of couples to look up to, at least not in my personal life. Plus, we all know how fake social media can be. Maybe I don’t know how to stay happy and faithful in the long haul because I haven’t seen anyone do it. I mean, who would I go to for advice when things got rough? People that I know are miserable? No thanks.
  8. I need attention. No woman wants to admit this, but after everything I’ve done, it’s not a big deal. Relationships change with time. Compliments dry up, butterflies fade, and after a while, familiarity sets in. I like to be lavished in attention. At the beginning of a relationship, this isn’t a problem, but as things change, I find that I need that high again. Who better to provide that than a new lover, hell-bent on proving their worth?
  9. It’s a habit. Do something enough times and you’ll find it easier to repeat. I remember the first time I cheated. I felt horrible I shut my phone off and hid from my boyfriend for two entire days. In my latest relationship, I cheated, then went out to dinner and a movie like nothing happened. I hate the fact that it was so easy for me to do that, but I find I now have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize and lie to myself. Each time I do it, it gets easier.
  10. I know tons of people that are cheaters too. In some ways, this is one of my biggest driving forces. I know that I hurt my partners when I cheat whether they find out or not, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think: what’s to stop you from cheating on me too? Perhaps it’s a self-defense mechanism. Maybe I’m petty and I don’t want to be a chump. One thing no one can deny is that cheating has always been a problem in the history of humankind. I hope that I can find a way to stop adding to the problem.
Hannah is a twenty-something-year-old freelance writer, obsessed with reality TV, and all things sweet.