Emotional blackmail is one of the most toxic dynamics you can experience in a relationship. It’s not just manipulation—it’s a calculated way of controlling you by exploiting your feelings and fears. People who use emotional blackmail often blur the lines between love and control, leaving you constantly questioning your own reality. If you’ve found yourself walking on eggshells or feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions, you might be dealing with emotional blackmail. Here are 13 telltale signs that your relationship has crossed into unhealthy territory.
1. They Turn Trivial Issues Into Full-Scale War
One of the most confusing aspects of being with someone who uses emotional blackmail is how they can turn the smallest issue into a full-blown conflict. You might make an offhand comment or forget to respond to a text, and suddenly, it’s a huge problem. These fights often feel disproportionate to the situation, leaving you wondering what you did to set them off. According to Health, emotional manipulators often create conflict to maintain control, making you feel like you’re always on the verge of making a mistake.
This pattern keeps you constantly on edge, never knowing when the next blow-up will happen. By keeping you anxious and uncertain, they maintain control. You start second-guessing everything you say or do, trying to avoid another eruption. It’s not about the actual issue—it’s about making you feel like you’re always one step away from messing up. Recognizing this cycle is the first step to breaking free.
2. They Put On The Water Works When Things Don’t Go Their Way
Crying can be a natural response to hurt, but when someone uses tears as a tool to manipulate, it crosses a line. They know that seeing them upset makes you feel guilty, so they exaggerate their emotions to get what they want. Whether it’s a disagreement or just not giving in to their demands, they turn on the waterworks to make you feel responsible for their pain. As noted by PsychCentral, using exaggerated displays of sadness is a common manipulation tactic aimed at exploiting your empathy.
It’s a tactic that preys on your empathy, making you feel like the villain even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Over time, you might start giving in just to avoid the emotional fallout, which only reinforces their behavior. It’s important to remember that genuine emotions and calculated displays of sadness are not the same. Real love doesn’t manipulate your compassion.
3. They Love-Bomb You Into Submission, Then Freeze
At the start of the relationship, they seem too good to be true—showering you with affection, gifts, and constant attention. This “love bombing” feels intoxicating, but it’s not sustainable. Once they know you’re invested, the attention fades, replaced by unpredictable mood swings and manipulative tactics. The contrast between the honeymoon phase and the reality leaves you constantly trying to recapture that initial high. According to Verywell Mind, love bombing is a form of manipulation meant to make you emotionally dependent.
This intense early affection isn’t genuine—it’s a calculated move to hook you emotionally. When they later withdraw, you’re left wondering what you did wrong, desperate to get back to that blissful beginning. Real love doesn’t come with strings attached or sudden shifts in behavior. Love bombing is about control, not genuine connection.
4. They Lure You In With A Sob Story
Everyone has a past, but someone who uses emotional blackmail will weaponize theirs to gain sympathy or manipulate you. They’ll recount their traumas and hardships, not as a means of vulnerability but as a way to make you feel obligated to tolerate their behavior. You might hear things like, “After everything I’ve been through, how could you do this to me?” According to BBC, leveraging personal trauma as a means of manipulation is a common tactic among emotional abusers.
While it’s important to be empathetic, it’s not fair for someone to use their past as a free pass for mistreating you. Sharing difficult experiences should build understanding, not serve as a tool to guilt-trip you into compliance. Recognizing when someone is leveraging their pain to control you can help you set healthier boundaries.
5. They Go Silent To Exert Control
When they’re upset, they go completely silent, refusing to acknowledge your presence or communicate. It’s not about needing space—it’s a deliberate move to punish you. The silence stretches on until you’re the one apologizing, even if you don’t know what you did wrong. It leaves you feeling anxious and desperate to make things right. As highlighted by The Guardian, the silent treatment is a manipulative tactic designed to assert control and inflict emotional distress.
Silent treatment is emotional manipulation because it puts you in a state of uncertainty. Instead of addressing issues directly, they use silence to make you feel guilty and responsible for their mood. Healthy communication involves discussing feelings, not shutting someone out as a form of control. Recognizing this tactic helps you stop taking responsibility for their calculated withdrawal.
6. They Constantly Imply They’re Going To Break Up With You
When things get tense, they drop hints that maybe the relationship isn’t working or that they’re thinking of leaving. It’s not a genuine conversation about problems—it’s a threat designed to keep you in line. The fear of losing them makes you more compliant, willing to bend over backward to keep them happy.
This tactic keeps you walking on eggshells, always worried that one wrong move will end the relationship. Instead of feeling secure, you’re constantly trying to prove your worth or make up for imagined mistakes. A healthy partnership doesn’t use the threat of breaking up as a weapon. If you’re constantly feeling like you’re on thin ice, it’s a sign of emotional manipulation.
7. They Betray Your Confidence In Retaliation
During vulnerable moments, you shared your fears, insecurities, or past mistakes, trusting them to keep those conversations private. But when a fight breaks out, they throw your own words back at you, using your honesty as ammunition. It feels like a betrayal, and you start questioning whether you can ever be open with them again.
This tactic isn’t just hurtful—it’s a calculated way to make you doubt yourself. They’re using your vulnerability against you to gain the upper hand, leaving you feeling exposed and betrayed. In a loving relationship, your personal stories should never be used as weapons. Emotional safety means knowing your honesty won’t be turned into a tool for manipulation.
8. They Insult You During Arguments
When disagreements arise, they don’t just address the issue—they go straight for your insecurities. Maybe they call you names, criticize your appearance, or bring up past mistakes you’ve moved on from. Instead of focusing on the problem at hand, they make the argument personal and hurtful, aiming to break down your confidence.
This behavior is a deliberate attempt to destabilize you emotionally, making you more likely to back down or apologize just to make the hurt stop. In a healthy relationship, conflicts are resolved with respect and understanding, not verbal attacks. If you find yourself dreading confrontations because they always devolve into insults, it’s a clear sign that your partner is using emotional blackmail to maintain control.
9. They Exaggerate Everything To Make You Feel Guilty
If you make a small mistake or forget something minor, they blow it way out of proportion. Suddenly, you’re “always inconsiderate” or “never think about their feelings.” This kind of exaggerated language is designed to make you feel guilty and question your own actions. Instead of discussing the issue rationally, they make it seem like you’ve committed an unforgivable offense.
This tactic works because it makes you feel disproportionately responsible for minor issues. You end up over-apologizing or going out of your way to prove that you’re not the terrible person they’ve painted you as. Emotional blackmail often involves distorting reality to keep you in a state of perpetual guilt. Recognizing these exaggerations helps you see the manipulation for what it is.
10. They Refuse To Carry Their Weight
When it’s time to share responsibilities—like chores, finances, or emotional support—they suddenly become incapable. They might mess up tasks on purpose or claim they just don’t know how to do something. You end up picking up the slack because it’s easier than dealing with the frustration of teaching or supervising them.
This calculated helplessness shifts the burden onto you while they maintain their comfort. It’s a subtle way of manipulating you into doing the work while they get away with minimal effort. A healthy relationship is about equal partnership, not one person continually taking advantage of the other’s willingness to help. Calling out this behavior sets a boundary that reminds them you’re not there to be their caretaker.
11. They Invent Problems To Create Drama
Some people who use emotional blackmail create drama where there is none just to keep you feeling insecure. They might accuse you of being distant when you’ve been perfectly attentive or act like you’ve upset them when nothing actually happened. These invented issues serve as a way to keep you constantly proving your loyalty or affection.
This tactic leaves you feeling confused and anxious, questioning your own perception of reality. You start doubting yourself and wondering if you really did something wrong. Recognizing when someone is fabricating conflict helps you see through their attempts to manipulate your emotions. You deserve clarity and honesty, not mind games designed to keep you off balance.
12. They Use Ultimatums To Make You Feel Insecure
If you don’t act the way they want, they threaten to leave, take something away, or withhold affection. Ultimatums are designed to make you feel pressured into compliance, fearing that if you don’t do what they demand, you’ll lose something important. It’s a way of making you responsible for keeping the relationship intact, even when their demands are unreasonable.
Healthy relationships involve open communication and compromise, not leveraging threats to get your way. If you constantly feel like you’re one mistake away from losing them, it’s a sign that they’re using fear as a control tactic. Setting boundaries around how you’re treated can help disrupt this pattern and remind them that love shouldn’t be conditional.
13. They Act Like You’re Overreacting When You Finally Snap
After enduring endless manipulations, you eventually reach a breaking point and express your frustration. Instead of acknowledging their behavior, they act shocked or accuse you of being dramatic. They might say things like, “Wow, calm down, it’s not that serious,” making you feel like your feelings are irrational or exaggerated.
This gaslighting tactic makes you question whether your response was justified, leaving you doubting your own reality. It’s a way to deflect responsibility and make you feel like you’re the problem. In a balanced relationship, both partners take accountability and respect each other’s feelings, even during conflicts. Don’t let them convince you that your valid emotions are an overreaction.
