I Consider Myself Successful In Dating Even Though I’m Still Single—Here’s Why

Dating is really hard. There are so many ups and downs and lots of different personalities to deal with. Many people measure their success in dating based on whether or not they find a lover. I measure my success a bit differently. I take a look at how I’m conducting myself and whether or not I’m being the best person I can be. Since I’m doing that most of the time, I’d say I’m a huge success in dating.

1. It hardly works out, but I’m proud of how I act. My success in dating doesn’t mean that I’ve found the perfect person or that I always have awesome dates. Instead, it means that I’m proud of my how I act and how I conduct myself. In Alcoholics Anonymous, we call this being a person of dignity and grace. I succeed at that in dating!
2. I listen to my intuition. One of the biggest reasons I succeed is because I can go home and put my head on the pillow being totally okay with my internal self. While dating, I listen to what my intuition tells me. It’s very good at communicating whether or not another person is a good fit if I’m just willing to listen to it.
3. I ask for what I need. I also listen to what my intuition tells me I need. If I find that I’ve been texting too much with someone and I need to text less, I’ll ask them. I’m not afraid to speak up for what I need. I believe in my self-worth, so I demand that my needs are met.
4. I’m flexible within reason. Although I’m great at asking for what I need, this doesn’t mean that I never adjust myself to another person ever. Of course, I’m willing to make some small shifts such as texting a little less than I’d like if the person works at a job where they aren’t allowed to use their phone. I’m not completely set in my ways, which is important because relationships involve two people.
5. I stick to my values. I do stick to my values, though. I’m not willing to be too flexible. For example, I absolutely need to wait to be physical with someone until I know them a bit better. With a trauma history and a track record of being impulsive, it helps me savor the moments and keep myself safe. This and some other things are values I’m not willing to compromise on.
6. I set great boundaries. In order to make sure I’m not compromising on my values, I set fantastic boundaries. I’ve gotten quite good at saying “no.” Like when someone from a dating app asks to meet up the very first day we’ve started talking. I don’t agree to that because I like to get to know someone a bit first to determine whether or not I even want to go on a date with them. These are my boundaries and I’m sticking to them!
7. I reject bad fits. Similar to being able to say “no” when I need to, I’ve learned how to reject people who just don’t fit with me. I do so in a kind way, but I do it even when it’s awkward and hard. I definitely do it when someone smokes weed. It’s not inherently wrong, but it’s a huge dealbreaker for me. I’m not afraid to say “hey, sorry, this isn’t going to work out.”
8. I respect myself and others. Sometimes when I’m sensing that someone isn’t quite the best fit, I’ll want to keep dragging it out and try to “make it work,” anyway. This never works out, so I try not to do this. I try to respect myself, knowing who isn’t a good fit and rejecting them for my sake and theirs.
9. I demand respect from others. I don’t deal with disrespect. I’ve had some pretty angry dudes when I’ve decided we weren’t good fits. They’ve freaked out and said some mean things. I’m successful, though, because I don’t engage. Instead, I stop answering and I block them. I don’t need that crap in my life!
10. I communicate effectively. I state my needs in a clear and straightforward way and I try to be consistent with what I’m saying. It’s the worst when people send mixed signals! I really try not to do this. If I like someone, I’m clearly communicating with them. If I don’t like someone, I try to end it as soon as possible.
11. I’m not perfect. I’ve talked about all of the ways that I’m just totally kicking butt in dating, but I haven’t admitted much to how I make plenty of mistakes. Sometimes I string someone along for a few more days even after I’ve figured out I don’t like them. Other times I do send mixed messages because I’m unsure. Nonetheless, I do my best and my best is really freaking good!
12. I know that dating not working out doesn’t make me unlovable. I’ve talked so much about the internal stuff (well, that is what’s important), but I haven’t talked about how my dates and flings ultimately turn out. Well, I’m single and I have been for a pretty long time despite strenuous dating efforts. Still, I know that these things not working out aren’t for lack of trying or being unlovable. My time will come before I know it and along the way, I can be proud of how I conduct myself.