One-night stands seem like a lot of fun on the surface but for me, they’re disastrous. Still, even though I know casual sex isn’t good for me, I keep convincing myself otherwise.
I forget all the times it didn’t work out. My history with casual sex is pretty tragic and it’s filled with a ton of pain and suffering. When I go to have casual sex, I conveniently forget all the times that it failed me. My memory seems to be wiped as it only remembers the good stuff and leaves out all of the terrible parts.
At the time, I think it’s going to be fun. Each time I convince myself that casual sex is going to be a great experience, I genuinely believe it. I get all caught up in the moment and in the person. Sure, there are going to be fun aspects about it, I can’t deny that. It’s just that my experience proves there’s much more pain than there is joy, so why do I do it?
It always leaves me really emotional. If I go ahead and sleep with someone, usually someone I barely know, then I’m left with all sorts of feelings rapidly swirling around inside of me. I feel sad, angry, lonely, tired, all sorts of things. I’m left with this frenzy of emotions and I’m not quite sure what to do with them. Since it was likely just a one-night-stand, I can’t even process these feelings with the person, which makes the whole thing even worse.
I let my hormones get the best of me. Part of the problem here is that I let my hormones drive. They get all revved up because I’m passionately kissing someone or even just imagining them naked. I get charged with this sexual energy and it keeps building until I’m ready to explode during sex. Regardless of logic, my hormones often call the shots, and that’s never a good idea.
I end up wanting to manipulate the other person into falling for me. A huge problem with my casual sex is that it’s hardly ever casual for me. In truth, I likely want to manipulate my partner in some way, like I want them to love me and fall for me. I want to prove to them that I’m worthwhile by being amazing at sex. It’s really not healthy, but at least I’m aware of these motivations.
My friends and therapist remind me of the truth. My therapist said that casual sex for me is like going into my house and breaking every window with a hammer. Sure, it may feel good, but it’s a total disaster. So when I get any funny ideas like thinking about going home with a date before I’m on it, my friends and therapist will call me out. They’ll ask me if I really think it’s a good idea, and I always know it’s not.
I want to be some sort of free woman. I guess I have this idea in my head that if I was truly free, I could sleep with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. Especially as a feminist, I feel like I should be able to own my sexuality and use it. I guess I can, just not in the way I’ve been trying to. I’m not built for casual sex and probably never will be. This doesn’t make me a shackled woman, it makes me human.
I see others having casual sex with ease. I admit I do sometimes compare myself to others and get jealous. I see people sleeping with someone with ease and wonder why I can’t do the same. In reality, I don’t know their story. Even if it is super snag-free for them, that’s their lives. It has nothing to do with mine.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with it. I want to say that I don’t think casual sex is bad in any way. In fact, I think it can be lovely when the situation is right and for the right person. However, I think it’s wrong for me in that it’s just not a good fit.
I do want to break the cycle. At this point, it’s felt like a compulsion, like I have no say in what’s happening. It’s been pretty scary to want one thing logically but to have my body do something else entirely because my mind convinced it to. It’s freaky! I’m working on it, though. One precaution I’m trying to take is not to go to someone’s house or bring them to mine until I’m ready to sleep with them.
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