Nothing dries up a vagina faster than a terrible pick-up attempt. There are attempts that flat out don’t work and there are ones that not only don’t work, but are so terrible that they cause us to involuntarily recoil in horror. The dating world is a strange beast, guys, and there are many pick up methods that are guaranteed to fail miserably.
- “Smile.” Pull your large intestine out of your butt with salad tongs and skip rope with it on a playground. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were giving each other foolish commands. Seriously though, this one is horrendous. Who thinks that walking up to a stranger and telling them what to do is good idea? This demonstrates a level of ineptitude that isn’t even seen in politicians.
- Sending friends to talk to us first. What is this, middle school? Will I have to check off a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ box on a piece of paper that says “Do you like me?” If I say yes, will we hold hands in the hallway or just outside? Whose mom will drive us to the movies? If I say no, will we awkwardly avoid eye contact for the rest of our school years? Middle school etiquette is confusing.
- Being annoyingly persistent. Continuing to pester us after we have turned you down isn’t cute, suave or appealing. It just looks desperate and sad. If you have to convince us to like you, you’re a lost cause. Our vaginas would weep for you but you’ve already single-handedly destroyed their ability to produce moisture.
- Dancing on us without asking first. Having a complete stranger suddenly materialize behind us and repeatedly slam his crotch against our butts is very unpleasant. When some guy pulls this crap, we’re not thinking, “Gosh and golly gee! A man is dancing with me! Yaaaaaaay!” we’re thinking, “Who the hell is this sweaty Neanderthal and is that a Trolli gummy worm I feel in his pants?” What’s wrong with actually asking someone to dance? It doesn’t have to be sappy and chick flicky and gross. A simple “Wanna dance with me?” will do.
- Unwarranted social media contact. No, we’ve never met before. Yes really. No, I’m definitely not the penguin trainer you met at a bar that one time. No, I won’t see you around, we live in completely different cities. Block.
- Following us around. Trailing a girl on her way to the bathroom isn’t going to win her over any time soon. Neither will following her to her car or “coincidentally” showing up at every club she goes to. Either ask her out and get her number or leave her alone if she turns you down and/or seems disinterested. Stalking a girl like a hopelessly romantic Dementor will earn you an unflattering nickname and a lot of mockery.
- Incessant staring. No girl is going to look at the guy staring at her from across the room like a brain-dead aye-aye and think to herself, “That guy is hot.” There’s nothing wrong with trying to grab a girl’s attention, but an hour of uninterrupted staring is unlikely to do the trick. Talk to the girl or leave her be.
- Hitting on every girl at last call. The bar is minutes away from closing for the night and you’re running around the place hitting on everyone with an embarrassing sense of urgency. We all know what you’re doing. You’re ridiculously easy to spot. Pack it up and go home to your Jergens.
- Sending unsolicited penis pics. If she asks for them, by all means, strike a pose and send them. But, sending penis pictures out of the blue is abhorrent. Females want nothing to do with someone who is clueless enough to think that a girl he just met will enjoy a close up of his junk. A random penis picture will make a girl retch but not much else. She might laugh, but not because it’s cute and she likes it. She’ll laugh because the penis is laughable.
