I’d been dating a guy for a couple of weeks and we decided to go out to dinner and hit up a jazz club one night before heading back to his place. I wasn’t planning on sleeping with him and didn’t really want to but he assumed that’s why I came. Before I knew what happened, I was in his bed.
He seemed like the perfect guy at first.
The night started innocently enough. We had Thai for dinner then went to the Blue Note and listened to some jazz. He was cheerful and full of energy and we traipsed around the city in search of his favorite haunts as we talked about art and music. As a former jazz musician, he knew the downtown music scene pretty well and I loved his enthusiasm. I’m a sucker for artists and he seemed great. Smart, cute, well informed, emotionally engaged (or so it seemed).
He asked me to come over and it seemed innocent enough.
It was getting late, I was getting tired, and he asked me if I wanted to share a cab part of the way home. I said yes and we hopped in. Then he asked if I wanted to come over and since the date had gone so well, I said yes. When we got there, we chatted some more and then started making out. This was only our second or third time hanging out and I’d never been to his apartment before. I really didn’t think anything of it because I’d been to plenty of dudes’ apartments and felt safe saying no if I got into any unwanted situations.
He totally ignored my refusal.
He started taking off his pants and removing his shirt in a rushed fervor as I stared at him, wondering what he was doing. I mean, I knew what he was doing, but I wasn’t ready to go there yet and I said so clearly. I told him I wasn’t ready and he asked me what I meant by that. After all, I’d agreed to come up to his place and it was understood that meant agreeing to have sex, at least in his book.
My continued refusal started to piss him off.
The more I said no, the angrier he became until he was almost fuming. I tried to get him to understand that just because I was there didn’t mean that I wanted to have sex with him. He wondered why I wanted to come up at all and accused me of being a tease.
I started to blame myself for being in that situation.
At that point, I began to cry. I’d never been accused of being a tease just for going to my date’s house and I started to wonder if I was in the wrong. I tried to remind myself that this guy was being a creep and I’d done nothing wrong but I just couldn’t shake the guilt. After talking for a bit, he gave me a hug and told me hat I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to.
I thought I was out of the lurch, but nope.
I was relieved when he backed off; I thought he was being kind and showing me a bit of respect. I let my guard down and soon enough, he began kissing me again and things got heavy once more. I was already upset and it was easier to take advantage and manipulate me, which is exactly what he did.
I gave in and slept with him.
We moved to the bed and he started pulling out a condom. By this point, I felt horrible for going all the way up to his apartment and getting his hopes up only to let him down. Because of this, I reluctantly agreed to sleep with him.
Afterward, I wondered if I’d just been raped.
I got up and went home afterward feeling like crap. Worse, I felt like I was raped. I wasn’t completely sure how I ended up sleeping with him and I just felt confused and upset. I remember being upset, telling him no, and then ending up in his bed anyway. What the hell happened? In the end, I realized that he was a rapist at worst and a manipulative a-hole at best.
The experience was eye-opening.
I’d never been treated like this before and I haven’t since. As young women, we’re made to feel that it is our duty to be obliging and sweet, kind and respectful, even to the detriment of our own well-being. It feels awkward and strange to stand up for yourself at first and to tell someone how you really feel instead of going along with it to avoid upsetting someone. For a long time, I hated this guy and what he did to me but eventually, I realized I hated himself for letting him take advantage of me. Never again!
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