I Dated A Guy Who Told Me Upfront That He Didn’t Believe In Love & It Was Exhausting

I was head over heels in love with him and he liked me too — wait, what? I was ready to go all-in on our relationship and potentially spend the rest of my life with him. There was just one problem: he didn’t “believe” in love. Why I didn’t get out then is beyond me — maybe I thought I could change his mind, which obviously didn’t happen. Either way, I do wish I knew these things before putting myself in that position:

  1. He can treat you well, but that doesn’t mean he loves you.When a guy doesn’t believe in love, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll be a terrible boyfriend or treat you like crap. In fact, my ex was the complete opposite and if I didn’t know any better, I’d have mistaken him for a real-life Prince Charming. Still, him treating me like gold didn’t change the fact that he was in like with me at best, not love.
  2. He makes you fall for him over and over again.As ironic as it sounds, a guy who doesn’t believe in love can win you over and over again. Why? Because he’s relaxed, cool and doesn’t bother about pleasing other people. Who doesn’t like someone who completely doesn’t give a damn if he’s loveable or not? Sadly, the more I fell for him, the less his feelings changed.
  3. His bad behavior is easier to justify. While most of the time my ex treated me like gold, his lack of belief in love meant that sometimes he was cold and heartless (though obviously, he didn’t see it that way). Of course, instead of getting mad, I justified his behavior by insisting that he just didn’t know what love was. Yikes.
  4. He’s a master manipulator.He doesn’t have deep feelings like you, so he has a clearer mind that makes more logical choices. He can use this to his advantage and to get what he wants from you. My ex got his own way nine times out of 10 because he knew just the way to play me. I was emotionally connected to him and thought with my heart, not my head, and that was my fatal mistake.
  5. He makes commitment sound impossible.Nowadays, it feels like everyone is afraid of commitment. I understand that it’s difficult to give up a certain amount of independence and settle down with just one person, but it’s also very much doable for someone you love and NOT a sacrifice. My ex made it sound like asking him to commit to me was akin to asking him to walk across hot coals. He had excuses and explanations out the wazoo and nothing I said made a difference.
  6. He can still be everything you want… for a while.This type of guy can still be your dream guy. He’s the complete package — handsome face, great body, witty, funny and everything else in between. He can be so likable and lovable and at some point, you’ll convince yourself you could live like this happily. You can’t — or at least I couldn’t. I just felt so much for him that I wanted to believe what little he gave me was enough.
  7. He might not believe in love, but even he has an Achilles heel. A guy who’s able to say he doesn’t believe in love without hesitation can also be a big liar. He guards his heart for a reason but it’s still there. He may seem tough and guarded, but he surely has a weak spot. The thing is, it’s not your job or responsibility to try and figure out what that is. I made the mistake of wasting too much time and effort trying to do exactly that but it still didn’t lead to a fulfilling relationship.
  8. Not believing in love could also be code for not having experienced it before or being afraid of it.I’ve realized over time that someone who doesn’t believe in love must not have ever experienced it. Somewhere in my ex’s past was some kind of heartbreak or disappointment he never wanted to open up about because it seriously tears him apart. Still, he’s a grown man and it wasn’t my job to play the role of his therapist or try to get him to open up. Maybe someday he’ll get there.
  9. Maybe he will love you, but you probably won’t want to stick around to find out.Although this guy seems hopeless, you should give him the chance to know and feel what love is — at least I’m glad I did. You don’t have to be a martyr and wait for a long time but you also don’t have to give up easily on him. I waited with my ex until I couldn’t anymore, and then I left — our relationship had progressed a bit but not enough for my liking. Still, I have no regrets and I’d still do the same thing over again.
Shaira is a nurse by profession, manager by occupation and a writer by passion. When she is not busy hustling, she enjoys the beach, visiting cafes, reading books, writing her heart out, dancing and traveling. She loves history and enjoys learning about culture because she believes that this will make you understand people better. She is currently learning how to cook her favorite dishes, play the piano and speak a foreign language. You can get a glimpse of her island life at her Instagram (www.instagram.com/imshashab/) account and read some of her random thoughts on shairab.com