We Weren’t Official, But It Was Still Shady That He Was Seeing Someone Else

I’ve never really understood the point of casual dating. Are we on our way to becoming an official couple or just having some temporary fun? It would help to know what’s going on, but with a guy I once dated, I realized just how shady casual dating can be.

  1. My dating motto is “one at a time.” I’m the kind of person who can only date one guy at a time. I meet someone either in real life or online and I get to know them. When I see we have a spark, I stop talking to other men so I can concentrate on this one. Is that too much to ask of a partner? I don’t think so.
  2. His dating motto was “the more the merrier.” This guy I was dating, on the other hand, was all over the place. When I found out he’d been dating someone else while dating me, it felt like a slap in the face. What hurt the most was that he hadn’t given me a real chance because he was in two places at the same time.
  3. He faked his feelings. Casual dating can be okay if things really are casual but this guy told me loads of romantic stuff, like that he was falling for me and wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. It was all BS! How could it not be, when he was probably telling the other woman the same things? Ugh.
  4. Our relationship status didn’t mean he could be a jerk. I think he was hiding behind the fact that we weren’t officially a couple, but that didn’t give him the right to act like a cheating jerk. That’s one of the biggest problems with “casual dating”—its effects can be much more serious and hurtful than they sound.
  5. It’s casual but it should be open. Just because we were casually dating, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have been honest. He should’ve been man enough to express his intentions. It makes me sick to think that he’d been hiding his real self and intentions all along.
  6. Social media exposed him. We weren’t friends on Facebook but something made me check his timeline anyway (that was luckily not set to private). There, I saw he’d changed his status to “in a relationship” with some other woman. I approached him about it via text and he never replied to me again. Yup, not only did I discover such an ugly truth on social media, but then I got ghosted.
  7. He’d treated us both like crap. He might’ve really liked us both but I doubt that. He would’ve treated us better if he had. Finding out he was with another woman was a shock, but she was probably in the dark about his experience with me, which was worse. Sadly, she’d never know about me because he and I left no social media trail. He’d been so cruel to both of us. There was no winner in this.
  8. Thank God I’d kept my pants on. I’m glad that we hadn’t had sex while we were together. I’d been honest with him about how I want to save that for an official relationship and he’d accepted it. Ugh, imagine if we’d slept together and then I’d discovered he was with someone else?! It would’ve felt like so much more of a betrayal.
  9. I started to see the damage behind the dream guy. I thought back to what he’d been like when we’d been dating and finally saw what he truly was. For instance, he’d been a bit mysterious and made me try harder to reach him emotionally (and which I found super sexy). Looking back, I could see he’d been so guarded because he’d been holding back due to his feelings for the other woman.
  10. Maybe I was partly to blame. Yeah, really. I’d dated him thinking I was the only one in his life. How stupid of me! I should’ve been more aware of what he was like and how he was holding back emotionally. This should’ve been a huge warning sign that things weren’t great between us and we weren’t headed to a real relationship anytime soon.
  11. He strung me along by promising “no strings.” I know sometimes casual dating can be a good thing, but not with this guy. For him, it was just a way to get some fun for as long as it was convenient for him while being totally dishonest about it. He’d told me that he wanted to take things slow, but he’d been stringing me along to a dead-end.
  12. He just wasn’t into me. A few weeks after this horrible experience, I was talking about this guy to my friend when it hit me: the issue wasn’t just that he wanted to casually date or that he was lying to get into my pants—he just hadn’t been into me enough. I could say that he was a commitment-phobe, but that wasn’t true as far as I knew – he ended up with the other woman and they were still together six months later (thanks again, Facebook). The truth was he hadn’t seen relationship potential with me and it hurt like hell.
  13. I’m glad he didn’t choose me. I might’ve been hurt and bitter after what he did, but I’m still glad that he didn’t choose me. I would’ve hated the idea of him having dated someone else, even in the early stages of dating. Plus, I never would’ve felt I could trust him just because he chose me. What would be stopping him from getting with someone else even after we were official? He was bad news and I’m glad I dodged a bullet.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.