Do you find yourself saying, “He’s perfect, but…” about the guy you’re dating? But then instead of moving on, you think that you can stick around and change him and you can both live happily ever after. Um, it doesn’t ever really work out that way. Instead, trying to fix a guy could end up breaking you — here’s why:
- You get sucked into the drama. If you want to give your guy a bit of a redesign, tread with caution. He might go along with it if he has issues, thinking it’s great to have someone to carry his load, but you’re going to end up swamped by all the crap he drops on your doorstep. You’re not a caregiver, you’re his girlfriend, and he’d better not get the two confused.
- You give too much and get nothing in return. It’s a lot of work trying to change another human being. It takes time, effort and a whole lot of your energy. But there’s no guarantee that he’ll change or give you as much as you give him. In fact, if you’re starting out as the giver and he’s the taker in the relationship, these roles won’t change. They’ll just intensify. For you, it will be all work and no play. You’re his first priority but you’re fourth or fifth on his list.
- You “fix” his issues, then get dumped. So you primed the guy into a much better version of himself and helped him through his issues, but then you found yourself dumped. What gives? You were his practice run for a real relationship with someone else. A guy is not going to have something permanent with a woman who’s always at his beck and call, ready to support him and giving up all her resources. It’s actually a turnoff.
- You won’t be happy even if you do change him. Sure, you’ll feel good about yourself and the relationship for a while, but at the back of your mind, you’ll always worry that he’ll go back to his old self. The alcoholic will go for a weekend away with the boys and take up drinking again. The cheater will slip back into his old ways and kiss another woman behind your back. These are highly likely if he’s changed for you instead of himself. He can only make a lasting adjustment to his life if he wants to and he’s making the effort instead of conveniently having you there to do all the dirty work. If he says, “I want to change for you”, it sounds romantic but don’t fall for it — it’s just not realistic.
- You sacrifice your needs. When trying to change a guy, something weird tends to happen: you end up changing, completely neglecting your needs because you’re so consumed by wanting to change him. For instance, if you’re dating a commitment-phobe you’re hoping will fall in love with you, to reel him in you might act like you’re okay with keeping it casual for a while. These tactics to get him to change only end up breaking your heart in the process. You’re actually not changing him at all — you’re just wasting your time and not being true to yourself. Hell no.
- He might seem fragile but actually be a player. It sounds harsh but many broken or damaged guys are actually manipulators. Ask yourself how he managed to survive before he met you when he tells you that he’s got no one else or how much he needs you. It feels like a nice ego boost, but it’s just his way of keeping you around so you can handle all his crap. This especially applies to narcissists and substance abusers who don’t stick to their recovery.
- He probably doesn’t want to change or else he would’ve already. Has he actually ever said he’s working on himself or that he wants to change? If it seems like you’ve just jumped into the situation to try to fix him or you’re always rescuing him from drama, you need to stop and take a few deep breaths. He’s a grown man who can sort out his own problems and change himself if he really does want to turn his life around. But you shouldn’t wait around for a Work in Progress when there are plenty of Ready-For-Use guys out there, no DIY required.
- You might become a manipulator. Your heart’s obviously in the right place to change the guy. You two will be so happy once he sees the light, deals with his issues, and chooses you, right? You’re trying so hard to control him that you’re actually wrecking who you are and becoming a darker, selfish version of yourself. It’s not cool. No guy is worth sacrificing your amazing qualities or wasting your time. Ever. Stop trying so hard for him to find his best self and take your best self out of there.
- You can only fix yourself. No matter how much you want to support, save or change someone, they are in charge of their lives. You only have the power to change yourself. Stretching yourself too thin for someone else who isn’t meeting you halfway only ends up hurting you, so instead of trying to DIY him into a better boyfriend, fix your self-esteem and GTFO of the relationship because you deserve more.
