A stringer is a man who’s been in plenty of long-term relationships before but has never taken the relationship to the next level. He’s a variant of the serial monogamist except worse because he’s shared huge chunks of his life with multiple women and never actually locked things down. Are you dating one?
- He’s an older guy who’s never been engaged or married. I dated a guy who was much older than me. Prior to our relationship, he’d been in two or three long-term trysts with multiple women but had never asked any of them to marry him. At the time, I told myself maybe he just hadn’t found what he wanted, but looking back, it was totally odd that none of the women he dated for multiple years ever resulted in even an engagement, especially given his age. When I think about it now, I realize that it was a huge red flag. He was a quintessential stringer.
- He acts like it’s their exes’ fault that things never went to the next level. Stringers talk about their exes like they were solely responsible for the demise of their relationships. “She was too clingy.” “She didn’t know what she wanted.” “She wanted too much.” He points out every plausible reason why it didn’t work out for the long haul. He makes them seem like they’re the ones who had the problem when really he had and still has major commitment issues.
- He’s never been dumped. Stringers rarely get broken up with because women have no reason to believe they’re headed anywhere but marriage. However, after a few years, stringers cut the cords and move on. Your property together? They pay you their portion and GTFO. If you’re dating a guy that hasn’t been broken up with since high school, you might be dating a stringer.
- He won’t fully commit. Stringers love making gestures to suggest they’re in it for the long haul even though they never actually 100% commit. They pay for things. They buy you dinner. They share parts of their life with you… but not enough to make you stay. They commit just enough to keep you around but not enough to put them in a position to make any meaningful decision about the future.
- He avoids talks about your relationship status. Stringers don’t want to talk about your relationship status. Calling themselves your boyfriend is already too much for him. They’ll push off the relationship topic, often remarking that they do everything else to suggest that they’re committed to you when you bring it up. But saying those official words? That’s a no-no. They don’t want to ever be tied down.
- He does things to protect his independence. He goes out to bars alone. He spends time with his “female best friends” a LOT. He has a lot of women’s numbers in his phone. Maybe he goes out of town on work trips or “guys trips” very often. If he does these things, he’s insulating himself, keeping a layer of singleness around him that you nor anyone else can get to.
- He won’t introduce you to his family. After a year or so, it’s pretty customary in most relationships to meet the fam—at least it is in the ones that I know. Stringers are totally gung-ho to meet your family but when it’s time to flip the tables, he’s not at all trying to let you that close to his life.
- You feel like you’re always one step behind. When I dated a stringer, I always felt like I was a few paces behind him even after years of dating. It felt like he was intentionally keeping me behind. It felt like as soon as I got comfortable and felt secure, the relationship would take an entirely new turn usually on his account. Sometimes it felt really good but other times it hurt. Stringers string you along—duh—and sometimes they yank the string tight and other times they loosen it up a bit while you’re still caught up in it. Don’t get caught up in it!
- Stringers have bigger issues that you can’t solve. My experience with a stringer taught me that sometimes they have deeper emotional issues stemming from things from their past—things that you can’t fix or change, especially if they’re older. Older men are set in their ways. They live life a certain way. They deal with their feelings a certain way. Their commitment issues are directly related to their own problems and have nothing to do with you. If you’re dealing with a stringer or you think you might, keep this in mind and GTFO.
