Deep Down I Knew It Was Over, But I Was In Denial

If I’m being honest, I knew the end was coming. We hadn’t been happy in a while and you’d been dropping hints that you were thinking of leaving for a long time. I probably should have tried harder, done something more or ended things myself, but I was so afraid to be without you that I ignored all the red flags and every problem. Here’s why:

  1. I just didn’t want to face the truth. I wanted to keep believing in our fairytale rather than facing reality because the reality of our relationship ending was too painful to bear. Instead, I ignored every sign telling me we were headed for a breakup. If you didn’t say the words then I could believe our love was still true. That sentiment only lasted so long, though, until you finally did pluck up the courage to end it all and I was slapped with some pretty harsh truth.
  2. I couldn’t mourn you until I could accept I had lost you. I didn’t want to accept that you were really gone. I wanted to keep fighting for you even if you were no longer fighting for me. I wasn’t giving up on us even if deep down I knew I should. I didn’t want to face the fact that we were over but by not letting you go, I kept hurting myself anyway. I tried with all I could to keep myself from going through heartbreak, but there are just some things you can’t control…
  3. I thought my love for you would be enough. I believed love could conquer all, but not if that love is unrequited. I thought if I loved you and you used to love me that eventually you could love me again, even if you didn’t love me now. I was living in a false fairytale, hoping for the best when I should have been preparing for the worst. You didn’t love me, and I couldn’t do a thing to change that.
  4. I thought you were my last chance at love. That’s why I couldn’t give up. You were my last shot so I thought if I didn’t make this relationship work, no relationship ever would. I didn’t want to admit that it was over because I didn’t want to face the idea that I might never love again.
  5. I didn’t know how to stop loving you. It wasn’t a switch I could just turn off. I didn’t know where to begin trying to get over you. I thought you were the love of my life, and how do you stop true love in its tracks? You may have been over me, but I was anything but over you, and until I accepted we were over, I wasn’t able to move on.
  6. I believed in the future I thought we had. I thought you were “The One.” We had an envisioned a life together. We talked about getting married, having children, and growing old together. I believed in that dream. I believed in us, so how was I supposed to give that up? After all, you once believed in it too.
  7. I thought if I didn’t acknowledge our problems, they’d just go away. If I didn’t give them life then they didn’t exist — at least that’s what I wanted to believe. I ignored the problem while still pushing solutions. I thought if I could fix things before they were fully broken, everything would be okay, but those problems only grew bigger and eventually we broke apart anyway.
  8. I thought you’d go back to the boy you used to be. I was in love with a boy who no longer existed, but I couldn’t admit that to myself. I watched you change into a different man before my eyes, a guy I barely recognized, and all I wanted was for you to be the sweet boy I fell in love with once again. Unfortunately, people change and we can never turn back time.
  9. I didn’t understand how you could suddenly stop loving me. One day it felt like I was the most important thing in the world to you and the next I felt like nothing. It all happened so fast that neither my heart nor my head could catch up with your whirlwind feelings. I was so in love with you and I couldn’t understand how you fell out of love with me. I still don’t.
  10. I was afraid of starting over. I didn’t want to go back to square one. I didn’t want to be alone again. I was afraid of all the uncertainty that a life without you held. I was young and I had the world at my feet, but I wasn’t prepared. I had put all my eggs into your basket and I had no plans for a future without you. My denial didn’t stop things. We were over and whether or not I liked it, I was starting over with nothing.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.