Deep Down, I Know I’m A Difficult Person To Love

Some people are easy to get along with: they go with the flow and they’re simply a pleasure to be around. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people. I’m fully aware that I can be extremely difficult. I love myself and I accept myself the way I am, but I understand why others would have a hard time doing the same. Here’s why:

  1. I’m a total control freak. I just like things to be a certain way. I’m not good with change, and I can’t go with the flow. I feel like there’s a right way to do things, and I hate when someone messes with my system. I live by a certain set of rules, and all I want is for those around me to follow them. It takes a lot of energy for me not to obsessively control the people around me, but I definitely slip up.
  2. I have serious anxiety. I’m aware of it and I’m working on it, but it’s still a daily struggle. I obsess over things repeatedly and I worry way too much. Most of the time, people who don’t have anxiety just can’t understand that. They tell me to focus on other things or learn to let things go, but if they were in my brain, they’d know it’s not that simple.
  3. I’m fiercely independent. I always have been. Even as a child, I was always content entertaining myself. I didn’t complain to my mother about being bored or need a friend for constant companionship. I loved being on my own and still do. I want to let someone in, but it’s hard for me to give up the time I truly love to spend alone.
  4. I’m not a people person. I can come off as social and outgoing, but in reality, I’m an extroverted introvert. In fact, I’m pretty damn antisocial. I like to have a small group of close friends, but I don’t like to spend all my time surrounded by other people. I actually prefer dogs to humans, and unless a man’s the same way, he’ll never be able to understand that.
  5. I wear my heart on my sleeve. For a lot of men, that can be scary. I always know exactly how I feel, and I’m not afraid to say it. I believe that I should always be able to express my emotion to my partner. I want a completely open and honest relationship, but I’ve found that most guys just can’t handle that.
  6. I’m brutally honest. I don’t have a very good filter, but further, I respect the truth more than anything. I hate being lied to, and I hate having to lie. I need a man who can handle the truth. I constantly feel like I live in a world of lies where everyone around me wants things to be sugar-coated. The world might be too sensitive for honesty, but I refuse to be a liar.
  7. I think I’m always right. Even if deep down I know I’m not. I just can’t seem to help it. I love being right, and I hold my opinion to a high standard. No one likes to feel like they’re always wrong, but I’m still learning how to agree to disagree. I wish I didn’t have to be right all the time, but I can’t seem to keep myself from thinking I am.
  8. I’m incredibly opinionated. I have an opinion about anything and everything. I love the truth, but most people can’t handle that. I always have thoughts and ideas bumbling around in my head, and I can’t help but blurt them out. I stick to my convictions, and my opinion is rarely swayed. In a best-case scenario, I’d find a man who sees life the same way I do.
  9. Insecurity makes me run. If I feel like something is off in a relationship, I start to pull away and turn my feelings off before a man can hurt me. I have serious relationship baggage. My heart wasn’t just broken, it was shattered multiple times. When I start to feel even an inkling that a relationship is headed south, I let that doubt eat away at me, and eventually I run.
  10. I can’t let things go. I know myself well enough to be able to admit that I’m not a flexible person. I can’t go with the flow, and I’m not always going to be optimistic. I have an amazing memory, and that’s both a blessing and a curse. I can’t forget things, and in fact, they eat away at me. I want so badly to be able to let things go and focus on the good, but until I feel like a problem is fixed, I can’t move on.
  11. I can come off as needy. When I’m into someone, I like to spend a lot of quality time together. Being together is how I know a man really likes me. I still make time for other things, but I prefer relationships where we spend the majority of our time together. Most men just can’t handle that.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has been blogging for over four years and writing her whole life. Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. She enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.