Defining The Relationship Is Only An Issue If You’re Not Actually In One

Defining the relationship is about so much more than a label. It gives you security, comfort, and peace of mind. More than that, you need to know that the person you’re seeing is on the same page for it to work. If the guy is refusing to define what you have, there’s a serious problem. Here’s what’s probably going on:

  1. He doesn’t see you as a potential girlfriend. Maybe he’s too scared to tell you what’s really going on, but this is most definitely why he won’t define the relationship. He likes you and he likes spending time with you but that’s all he really wants out of it. Instead of telling you that he’s not interested in a relationship, he’s secretly hoping that you both want the same thing. You really shouldn’t stick around any longer when it’s clear that you’re not on the same page.
  2. He likes the arrangement you currently have. Right now, he’s happy to keep things the way they are. It’s not serious yet, which means that he doesn’t have to play the role of the supportive boyfriend—that’s exactly the way he wants it. He thinks that he can have you and the perks of being in a relationship while not actually being with you, which is incredibly selfish and arrogant. Unless there’s a label on what you have then you don’t have anything.
  3. He’s not someone who can keep his word. A guy who can’t at least let you know where you stand is someone who can’t be trusted. How can he say that he cares about you if he can’t give you that? Clearly, he has a lot of growing up to do if he doesn’t like labels.
  4. He wants to move at a slower pace. Let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that he really wants to be with you but he wants to take things slow. Maybe he moved too fast in his past relationships and they didn’t work out so now he wants to do things differently. Still, that doesn’t explain why he can’t tell you that. It’s so important to communicate in a relationship, so if he can’t do that then he probably won’t be a good partner. You might have dodged a bullet!
  5. He’s weighing up how he feels about you. Here’s what could be happening. He thinks he likes you one day and the next he’s confused. That would probably explain any hot and cold behavior and his reluctance to define the relationship. Honestly, you shouldn’t wait for him to make up his mind. If he wanted to be with you, he’d make it happen.
  6. He’s talking to other women. Let’s face it—if he won’t call you his girlfriend, it’s probably because he’s too busy looking around. Some guys will talk to several girls while they’re trying to decide which one they like the most, or in most cases, they end up wasting everyone’s time. It sucks but you don’t have to put up with that. If you have suspicions that you’re not the only person he’s talking to, then tell him where to go!
  7. He’s still thinking about his ex. Surprise, surprise! If he’s just out of a relationship or it ended only a few weeks ago then it won’t come as a shock that he’s not over his ex-girlfriend. Pay attention to how often he mentions her name and what he says about her—if he seems bitter then that’s a very obvious sign that he still has feelings. Chances are, he doesn’t want to define the relationship because he’s secretly hoping that he might get back together with the ex. Oh, God—you need to get out of there!
  8. He simply loves being single way more than being in a relationship. Without a doubt, that’s the reason why he’s hesitating about making it official. If you had both discussed this at the beginning and decided to keep it casual, that would be fine, but if he’s given you the intention that he wanted something serious and then later changed his mind, that’s not. Clearly, he doesn’t want to say goodbye to his single life and all of the perks attached to that.
  9. He’s told his friends and family that you’re just friends. Maybe the whole time you’ve been dating he’s actually been referring to you as his friend and that’s why he doesn’t want to put a label on the relationship. He’s got so used to seeing you as a friend that he can’t imagine calling you his girlfriend. How awkward.
  10. He doesn’t care about labels. Perhaps he doesn’t think defining the relationship is a big deal. After all, you both enjoy spending time together, so why can’t you just keep things the way they are? The problem is that it’s important to you, so it should be important to him too. Assuming he cares, he would be honest with you about what he wants out of the relationship. If not, you know where you stand.
Coralle is a freelance writer and blogger with a special interest in Mental Health & wellness, Women's health, and relationships.

Find her at