I started using dating apps a few years ago to find casual hookups but recently deleted them because it seemed like everyone I matched with wanted something serious. Here’s why I knew it was time to stop swiping.
I know what I want and they were providing.
Dating apps are such an easy way to meet new people and set up casual dates, or so I thought. I’ve always been totally upfront and clear about the fact that I’m only looking for casual dates, but everyone I matched with seemed to be looking for something long term. And while it’s wonderful that people are finding meaningful relationships through social media these days, I’m not ready for that in my own life and I’m not willing to compromise.
I’m too busy to commit to anyone.
One of the main attractions of online dating is that it saves a lot of time. Instead of having to go out into the real world and evaluate your options, you can pick and choose from the comfort of your own home in between work emails or while getting ready for bed. I don’t even have time to meet people to date let alone have a serious relationship.
I felt bad for disappointing people.
After messaging with guys for a while, the inevitable “what are you looking for?” question would be broached and I always had to be the one to say I wasn’t looking for anything serious. In the end, I just got tired of disappointing people and of being disappointed when I found out that they were only looking for actual relationships.
I was made to feel shallow for not wanting anything committed.
To be honest, some of the conversations I had made me feel like I was living in the 1950s. As soon as I let the guy I was talking to know that I wasn’t interested in anything serious, I would often find myself the target of subtle judgment and outright slut-shaming. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting just sex, but I was continually made to feel ashamed of it.
No one was interested in anything casual.
I always thought there’d be plenty of men wanting a casual hookup buddy, but all the guys I was interested in seemed to be in it for something deeper. I respect that and would never want to lead anyone on without intending to follow through with what they were looking for, but it became discouraging after a while to keep having to start from scratch once the people I’d been talking to found out our relationship needs didn’t match.
Dating apps aren’t what they used to be.
When I started using dating apps in college, they were all about the hookups. You could match with someone within a few minutes and be taking off their clothes by dinner time. But now, people seem to use them for actual relationships in a way that they didn’t use to. I’m secretly holding out hope that someone will release a new app that’s just for hooking up to make it easier to find someone with similar motivations.
Even when I was upfront about what I was looking for, people were still surprised by my intentions when we actually met in person.
Apparently a lot of people say that they’re looking for something casual even though they want something serious because they’re afraid of looking “desperate.” I met up with a few people who were aware that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, only to discover that they assumed I was actually just trying not to come off as too needy. They seemed genuinely shocked and annoyed when they found out I’d been telling the truth.
I don’t fall in love as quickly as people I met through dating apps seemed to expect me to.
It takes me a long time to fall for someone, which is why all my serious boyfriends were friends before anything romantic came of it. A lot of people seem to be able to form emotional attachments within days or even minutes of meeting someone new, but that’s just not something I can do. Even if I was looking for a long term partner, I wouldn’t use dating apps for it.
I didn’t want to pretend to want something I didn’t want.
After a while, I felt like I had to lie about what I was looking for in order to match with anyone I was interested in. But once I’d met a person and gotten to know them a little, it was really difficult to disguise the fact I just wasn’t looking for anything deep and meaningful. It became exhausting trying to justify my needs, and I got sick of it.
I don’t want to meet my future partner on a dating app anyway.
I know it’s becoming more and more common for people to meet their forever someone on a dating app, but that’s just not for me. I want an epic “how we met” story, and “he swiped right” just isn’t going to cut it. I’m old fashioned in many ways, and when I’m ready to meet someone special, I’m going to focus on people in the real world, not the personas they project through their dating profiles.
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