Are You Demisexual? Here Are 14 Signs

You’ve heard of asexuality, but what’s demisexuality? Basically, it’s on the asexuality scale but it doesn’t mean you don’t have sexual desires or that you don’t want a loving relationship. Here’s what you need to know about it so you can figure out if it describes you.

  1. Your relationships start with friendship. If you look back on your previous relationships, all your exes were first your friend before becoming your boyfriend. It’s no coincidence. You’re focused on getting to know someone before dating them. Building an emotional connection is what matters to you.
  2. You’re sometimes repulsed by sex. People might assume you’re asexual and have no sexual attraction to anyone, but that’s BS. You like sex but in certain situations, like in a committed relationship. TBH, sometimes the idea of sex just doesn’t appeal to you and other times it can completely repulse you, like when you think about the hookup culture we live in.
  3. You prefer sleeping with someone to having sex. You love intimacy in relationships a lot more than the physical act of sex. In fact, you find cuddling someone much more satisfying than having intercourse with them. Why it’s so appealing is because it’s a form of emotional closeness. That’s what you’re really after in relationships.
  4. One-night stands freak you out. You just don’t see the point of having meaningless sex with strangers. People might call you a prude for your views on this, but screw them. You just have different needs, and they’re of an emotional nature. Sex doesn’t motivate you at all.
  5. Love comes before lustSometimes people confuse love with lust, but for you it’s simple: you have to love someone before you think of them as physically attractive. It doesn’t work the other way around. Sure, you can say that someone’s attractive, but if you don’t really know them then that compliment means nothing.
  6. You don’t always understand your friends. When your friends are gushing about how they’d love to shag a Hollywood star or the sexy waiter at their favorite restaurant, you just don’t get it. Words like “hot” or “sexy” are confusing to you because you tend to see guys in other ways, such as charming, kind, or attractive. You notice and describe men according to their personality traits much more than how they look.
  7. Sex isn’t a relationship priority. You can happily date someone for months or longer without having sex. Sure, sex can be great, but it’s not something you feel you need to have three times a week. It’s very important for you to find a partner who has the same “take it or leave it” approach to sex so that you’re sexually compatible.
  8. You lust after people’s personalities. You’ll date a guy who’s kind, intelligent, and insightful—not a guy who’s got a buff body or ridiculous good looks. It’s just the way your mind works: you look at how compatible someone’s personality is with yours, without worrying about physical traits. So, guys who send you shirtless pics are really barking up the wrong tree.
  9. It’s a big deal when you like someone. You don’t go around crushing on lots of attractive guys, so when you feel something for one of them it’s a huge deal because it’s so rare! Your friends might call you old-fashioned for how you can turn attraction into something really important as well as stick to liking just one guy, but it’s just the way you are.
  10. You’re not “fussy.” Sometimes people misunderstand you, calling you “fussy” or “too picky” when you don’t like any of the guys who hit on you. But it’s just that you don’t feel anything for them! It takes a lot for you to reach the point of actually liking someone, and it’s better to hold out for that real connection than to settle and be unhappy.
  11. You’re not afraid of commitment. You can have a happy long-term relationship—being demisexual doesn’t mean that you’re running out on dates or unable to deal with relationships. It’s just that you’re much more selective and you take your time before getting into a relationship. People who say you’re a commitment-phobe just don’t understand demisexuality at all.
  12. You get high on conversation. While everyone’s out there getting laid, you’re keen on having a really deep, mentally-stimulating chat with a guy. You love exploring people’s minds and personalities and can do that with as much passion as people want to tear each other’s clothes off. If a guy can reach you on that mental and emotional level, he’s a keeper.
  13. You don’t do flirting. You wouldn’t walk up to a cute guy and hit on him. Hell no! You’d rather get to know him in a more natural setting and focus on becoming his friend, instead of his girlfriend. If that gets you friend zoned, then so be it.
  14. Porn does nothing for you. Whenever you’ve watched porn, you just didn’t get sexually aroused. The reason isn’t that you aren’t sexual, it’s just that you need more than sexual images. You need to build a relationship with someone, with whom you feel connected. Ideas of sex have to be connected to someone real. Images on their own are just that—images. Dick pics are therefore the worst thing you can ever receive from a guy!
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.