Demisexual Traits: How To Know If This Term Describes You

Do you feel not quite sexual, yet not exactly asexual either? You could be right in the middle: demisexual. Demisexual is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction after developing an emotional bond. For demisexuals, there’s no lust without love first. If this sounds like you, keep reading for some common demisexual traits that set you apart.

  1. You’ve never experienced love at first sight. Demisexuals don’t experience attraction toward others until they’ve had a chance to get to know them emotionally first. That means, unlike 34% of people who say they’ve experienced love at first sight, demisexuals don’t feel love until they’ve formed some kind of relationship with a person.
  2. Your relationships usually develop slowly. Because demisexuals don’t experience attraction until an emotional connection has formed, they’re usually in no rush to jump into a new relationship. Early relationship chemistry is based more on thoughtful conversations than make-out sessions for demisexuals. Most demisexuals take their time growing their relationship before opening up physically.
  3. You tend to develop feelings for your friends. It’s common for demisexuals to be friends with someone before becoming lovers. In fact, friendship is a key part of romantic relationships for many demisexuals. And since they’re not looking for superficial charm or conventional good looks, they’re more likely to catch feelings for someone they’re already familiar with in their friend circle.
  4. Overt flirtation turns you off. Flirting and striking up conversations with strangers is a major part of dating for most people. But for demisexuals, being on the receiving end of overtly flirtatious comments or touching can feel super awkward. Chances are a demisexual isn’t interested in the stranger at the bar or the guy they just met from a dating app. They need time to form genuine feelings—and until then, flirting can feel forced and disingenuous.
  5. You don’t have a celebrity crush. For many people, their first crush is a famous actor or singer. When it comes to demisexuals, though, they can’t relate. They don’t ogle a celebrity’s Instagram pictures or how hot they look in their latest movie because they don’t really know the celebrity, making it hard to feel real attraction. For demisexuals, the concept of having a celebrity crush can often feel foreign.
  6. Hooking up isn’t your thing. Not all demisexuals are looking for a relationship. But if a demisexual is single, they’re likely not playing the field either. For demisexuals, getting in the mood with a stranger is practically impossible. Without already having a meaningful connection with someone, they usually don’t feel interested in casual sex. That’s why demisexuality is often classified as a type of asexuality (though not all demisexuals identify as being asexual).
  7. You think sex is kind of overrated. Along with not typically enjoying casual hookups, many demisexuals see sex as being overly-hyped up in modern dating culture. It’s not that demisexuals don’t enjoy sex. Many do, but for them, sex isn’t the peak of dating and romance. They feel that emotional connection will always trump sexual chemistry. And for demisexuals, sex without that deeper bond can feel empty and pointless.

The Benefits Of Being Demisexual

  1. Your relationships are deeply fulfilling. Demisexuals are often committed to their relationships and willing to put in the time and effort needed to form a strong bond. That’s why demisexuals tend to have deeply satisfying relationships. And this doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships; demisexuals make great friends too. They often cherish their relationships equally, whether platonic or romantic.
  2. You may be less vulnerable to infatuation. Before truly being in love, most people experience a period of infatuation. However, demisexuals may be less likely to experience infatuation, which can be a plus. It’s not that infatuation is bad—for most, it’s a completely normal part of falling in love. But infatuation and lust can hijack our brain chemistry and decision making, which demisexuals may be less vulnerable to.
  3. You may be less likely to cheat. There are a lot of reasons people cheat, with physical attraction being one major factor. For demisexuals who don’t feel attracted to strangers or acquaintances, they may be less likely to ever consider cheating. Many demisexuals know that cheating would be much less meaningful than what they already share with their partners. This can make demisexuals extremely loyal and trustworthy partners.
  4. You don’t waste time on f***boys. Most demisexuals won’t bother hooking up with someone they don’t share an emotional connection with. That means they’re much less likely to get caught in a f***boy’s web. In fact, being demisexual can sometimes repel those only looking for casual flings.
  5. You get to know people’s inner selves. Demisexuals know there’s always more to people than meets the eye. While others may just look at superficial qualities, demisexuals try to see who someone is on the inside. They enjoy learning about others’ beliefs, fears, and dreams. This genuine interest in others can add a lot of depth and fulfillment to their romantic relationships.
Relationship educator, writer, host of the Relationship Reminders podcast, and mental health advocate hailing from the US and currently based in Tokyo