I Was Desperate To Join The Mile High Club But Immediately Regretted It When I Did

Nothing gets you going quite like bland airplane food, stale cabin air, and nausea-inducing turbulence, right? Of course not. My strong desire to have an orgasm at 30,000 feet came without a hint of common sense and mostly just the desire to check something off of my bucket list. If you’re looking to check this one off your list too, consider the following reasons for sticking to literally any other location and finding a new bucket list item.

  1. The lighting is terrible. You know that sexy early morning light in your bedroom when the sun first comes up? Airplane bathroom lighting is the opposite of that. We tackled our mile-high dream on an overnight flight when 99% of the cabin was asleep. When we opened the bathroom door and snuck in, it felt like we accidentally stared at the sun… while literally standing on the sun. After getting over the temporary blindness and down to business, I couldn’t help but feel like I was naked in front of harsh floodlights. It felt like my pale skin and cellulite were under a microscope. I looked in the bathroom mirror to see that my mascara had smeared and I was a hint of green from inhaling hours of re-circulated cabin fart air. We were not off to a good start.
  2. It’s disgusting in there. People are gross. Somehow, people who are traveling reach an entirely new level of nasty. They walk around without their shoes, shove dirty diapers in the seat pocket, pick their nose and clip their toenails. If people are doing those things in public, what do you think they’re doing in the bathroom? The reality is that flight attendants have only half an hour to turn over a plane between rounds of passengers. Do you think they’re taking that time to bleach the bathroom clean? Nope.
  3. Unless you’re a ballerina, there is no space for two bodies to move. My boyfriend and I are fairly thin people and I still felt like I was six feet under in a coffin. I take yoga, but I’m not capable of holding my leg over my head. If I was, maybe this article would be a bit more motivating. I’m starting to wonder if the majority of the mile-high club members have private planes and offshore bank accounts.
  4. There’s a zero percent chance that you won’t be seen. This might be totally cool with you, in which case, kudos to you for obtaining a “no shame” attitude. I envy you. The reality is that someone is either in line for the bathroom or watching it from their seat. In our case, after successfully completing the task at hand, we opened the door to find 3 people waiting in line. The first looked annoyed, the second was smirking, and the third was clearly uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact at all costs. I awkwardly muttered, “Thanks for your help, babe!” as if he was in there to fix my zipper. No one was buying it.
  5. It’s really hard to focus. I was worried about either falling out of the bathroom naked with my boyfriend on top of me, or the air marshal knocking on the door with the business end of his pistol. I didn’t want to touch anything because I was sure that if you took a black light to the bathroom, it would be like attending a rave of body fluids and fecal matter.
  6. One word: turbulence. All it takes is one bout of turbulence and you’re either falling out the bathroom door revealing yourself to the entire cabin or landing headfirst into the toilet. Even the gentle rocking of the plane will have you stepping on each other’s toes.
  7. You could mess with the wrong flight attendant. I’ve found most flight attendants to be quite lovely, but there is always that one, every so often, that abuses their power. The Hitler of the skies. Is this rebellious act really worth a run-in with Homeland Security and a spot on the no-fly list? While it’s not illegal, per say, the post-9/11 era has understandably made for no-nonsense flying. You could spend the rest of your flight trying to open a bag of peanuts while handcuffed to the seat.
  8. The door can be opened from the outside. Yup, that’s right. If a flight attendant is worried about the length of time you spend in the bathroom, they are likely to open it from the aisle. Given the size of those laboratories, you’ll definitely fall out and it’ll definitely be awkward.
  9. There’s nothing romantic about it. I know that romance isn’t exactly the point, but you deserve to be laid on a bed of roses like Bon Jovi said. I’m all about excitement, but no longer at the expense of comfort. I am a proud mile-high club member, but I won’t be revisiting my membership until I fly in a private plane… which, as a writer, means never.
Caitlyn is a freelance writer living in Washington D.C.