I was seeing this guy casually and while I really liked him, things were never really official between us. It was decided from the very beginning that what we had wasn’t going to go anywhere and I was cool with that… until he told me he met someone and she was now his girlfriend. I wasn’t prepared for how much that news devastated me.
I secretly hoped that we’d end up together.
There was a part of me that was holding out on the romantic idea that we’d wake up one morning and realize that we were meant for each other. It didn’t have to be right now or even a year from now, but when I stopped to consider what sort of future I wanted, he was always the man I saw in it. That fantasy hurt too much to give up.
I thought he was really into me.
Even though we were never in a real relationship, I considered him a partner of sorts and I was very fond of him. I thought that he felt as strongly about me, at least enough to not want to get a girlfriend that wasn’t me. We always talked about what a great couple we’d make and I felt kind of betrayed that he never even bothered to tell me there was another woman in the picture so I had a chance to fight for what we could have been.
I felt like I lost a friend.
Something about the way he broke the news to me suggested that he wasn’t just ending our sexual relationship but our friendship too. I knew it was only a matter of time before he started pulling away from me and there was nothing I could do about it except live with the pain that was sure to follow his absence. Texting him funny stuff I found on the internet or details about something that happened to me suddenly felt like overstepping a boundary.
Now that he’s with her, he can’t be with me anymore.
We usually spent most of our time together when we weren’t working. He was constantly sleeping over at my place, and I had a good portion of my stuff stored at his because of how often I stayed there. All that was going to change with the new girlfriend around. It wasn’t about the sex anymore, we wouldn’t even be able to just hang anymore—what kind of nonsense is that?
I can’t stop thinking that I pushed him away.
I was always so vocal about not wanting a relationship – we both were – and he might have taken that a little too seriously. Maybe he figured he didn’t stand a chance with me, that I was always going to choose my freedom over any commitment, and he decided to spare us both the heartache by moving on. I know that can’t be entirely true because it’s not like he ever said he wanted a relationship and I turned him down, but I still feel I’m the reason he ended up with her.
I don’t know what to do with the connections I formed with him.
I have a hard time forming emotional bonds with people but I did with him and now that he’s with someone else, what am I going to do with them? How can I take back the vulnerabilities I shared? Will the feelings I have for him suddenly evaporate? Am I simply supposed to move on like he wasn’t a huge part of my life for years?
I’m terrified that it means I’ll end up alone.
Normally, I’m fine with being alone. It’s my preferred way to be! But with him gone, I don’t know anymore. Sure, the heartbreak I’m feeling is going to pass, but it doesn’t seem that way right now. Every time I come home to a house that no longer smells like him, I can almost hear the walls mocking and taunting me. It’s just too sad.
It’s almost as if what we had meant nothing.
I would never have expected to be in a relationship so quickly if we had actually ended things, but to do it while our affair was still going on put a damper on things. It was like he didn’t think very highly of us, of me, and that felt like a sharp kick to the chest.
It sucks that he gets to be happy when I’m not.
It’s true that I care about him deeply, and I want only the best things for him. Still, I hate that he gets to have a girlfriend who is not me. I hate that he gets to move on even when I’m not ready to. I hate that he’s not as miserable as I am about giving us up. It’s stupid and unfair and it plain sucks.
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