I Didn’t Believe Sex Could Be Anything But Physical Until I Slept With The Right Guy

I used to believe that good sex meant finishing with an orgasm, but after being with a man that I have an insanely amazing connection with, I’ve realized that sex is totally about so much more than just getting off. Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy orgasms as much as the next woman, but it took being with the right guy for me to realize that sex is about so much more. Here’s what I mean:

  1. It’s as much about emotional intimacy and closeness as it is about getting off. When you’re with a person who makes you feel good, your intimacy levels with that person will skyrocket. This is because by exchanging your body with someone else’s, you exchange your feelings associated with that person, with your own body, with your own person and it’s all manifested in the physical. Have you ever had really solid sex with someone you didn’t have a lot of feelings for, only to feel sort of indifferent about it later? I have. And it took me being with the right guy to understand why it was so bland. I need the intimacy and the closeness that sex brings for it to mean anything to me, and sometimes an orgasm isn’t always included.
  2. Great sex is more about the process than it is about the end result. I firmly believe that great sex is about the process. Does your partner take his time with foreplay? Is he intentional about kissing you and doing the things that turn you on? How he gets there, so to speak, matters just as much as getting there. If I’m looking for a no-frills orgasm, I know exactly how to get myself there on my own time with my own vibrator. And although I’m a huge fan of a quickie, even quickies are all about the anticipation and the process. They just tend to occur in a smaller window of time. The point is that sex with a partner who focuses on the process and not just the end result is so much more meaningful.
  3. Orgasms aren’t required for sex to feel pleasurable. Newsflash: you don’t need an orgasm for sex to feel pleasurable. Women are blessed with so many ways to feel pleasure. We are chock full of erogenous zones that have potential to deliver similar levels of pleasure as an orgasm. The right guy will explore those too and set your body on fire in the most amazing way possible. It sounds corny but as someone who’s experienced it firsthand, trust me, it’s true.
  4. Sex shouldn’t feel like a challenge—it should be an experience. A focus on an orgasm will make sex feel like a game or a challenge and take away from the overall experience. The best sex I’ve ever had was sex that felt like a journey.
  5. The right guy will honor your body and make you feel perfectThe right guy will make you feel like you’ve got the most amazing body on the planet because he’ll focus all his love and attention on it and you. We all have insecurities about our bodies and the right guy will make them feel less significant than they are to you. He’ll boost your confidence and make you feel like a real-life modern-day Nefertiti. That, I believe, is so much more important than an orgasm.
  6. Sex reveals how well you communicate with each other. Sex is about communication and can reveal how well you and your partner communicate together. If you can’t communicate well when you’re arguably in your most vulnerable state, then what does that say about your relationship? In my experience, I’ve had the best sex when I could talk to my partner about what I wanted, about what made me feel good and even about how to give me an orgasm, even if the orgasm never happened. Take stock of your sex communication style. What does it say about you?
  7. What happens after sex is just as important as what happens during sex. A guy that gives you an orgasm but leaves right after when you wanted him to stay, kind of sucks in my opinion. Amazing sex is sometimes defined by the closeness you feel during sex and after it is over when the oxytocin is flowing and your emotional guards are down.
  8. Giving is just as good as getting. Sex is also all about being selfless sometimes. I find a lot of pleasure in knowing that I can satisfy my guy. Sometimes, knowing that I have control over his pleasure and that I’m the source of a really satisfying experience makes the sex the best.
  9. Great sex is a learning process. If an orgasm is ultimately what you want in your sex-life it takes a little bit of patience and self-learning too. You need to know what makes you feel good so you can teach your partner. No woman’s body is the same as another and what might work for you won’t work for another woman. Our orgasms are complex and sometimes more difficult to create than men’s. The right guy will be receptive to your lessons and be willing to learn. Even if you don’t get there right away, the right guy will make you feel so special when you experience your first big O together.
Marie is an ambitious millennial woman, leading a corporate life by day and doing her best to live, laugh and love.