I Didn’t Really Love My Ex, I Was Just Desperate Not To Be Alone

Have you ever been madly in love with someone for a while and then completely disgusted by them the second after you go your separate ways? It’s nuts and also a little creepy that your opinion of someone and the relationship you shared with them can change so quickly. I thought the feelings I had for my ex were strong but I now see just how fabricated my emotions really were. I wasn’t in love; I wasn’t even in lust. I was emotionally dependent on him and I didn’t even know it.

  1. I Was Desperate When We Met. I really, really wanted a relationship. I told everyone who’d listen how much I wanted a boyfriend and to be in love, blah blah blah. A friend of a friend gave me his number and I used it without asking any questions. I didn’t even creep on his Instagram before I sent him a text. WTF was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking — I was desperate for a guy, which is why I fell for the wrong one.
  2. I Felt Pressured To Have Sex. I slept with him after the first date solely because I wanted him to like me. Yes, I know how messed up that sounds, but it’s what happened. I wanted him to want to see me again, so I used my sexuality to convince him to do just that… and it worked. Unfortunately, this only made me feel pressured to sleep with him basically every time I saw him after… and I did.
  3. I Hated Spending Time Without Him. I wanted to be with him every second of every day, and not in a cute way. It wasn’t because I loved him and loved spending time with him, it was because I was always afraid that his attention would go elsewhere if I wasn’t there to remind him of how great I was.
  4. He Constantly Played Games. He played mind games all the time. Even after we decided to be “exclusive,” he’d still act like he was afraid (or maybe he was just unwilling) to fully commit to me. Sometimes he’d be super involved in our relationship while other times he’d act uninterested and aloof — which, of course, only made me want him more.
  5. We Didn’t Have That Much Fun Together. To be honest, I didn’t love hanging out with him. It wasn’t horrible but it was never super fun. Our relationship was dull and uneventful because we were basically two people who should’ve never started dating.
  6. My Friends Felt Neglected. My friends felt as if I’d abandoned them, and they were right. I wasn’t spending time with them. I could barely text them back without a three-day waiting period. I could’ve easily hung out with my friends — my ex sure hung out with his — I just never wanted to. I always wanted to be free in case my boyfriend wanted to see me. Pathetic, isn’t it?
  7. I Needed His Approval. Before I did something, I’d ask him. Even though I knew deep down that he didn’t have my best interests in mind like my friends or parents did. This was mainly because I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I made sure he was on board with whatever it was that I wanted to do before I did it.
  8. We Weren’t Even Compatible. We didn’t like the same things. I knew that but he didn’t, and that’s because I pretended to be into hiking, gaming, and barbecue food while I was dating him because that’s the kind of stuff he was interested in. He didn’t really know who I was, which wasn’t completely his fault. I replaced my personality with one I thought he’d like more.
  9. I Was Too Clingy. Even during the relationship, I knew I was acting low-key insane. I just couldn’t help it. I’d text him all the time, constantly send him Snapchats and Instagram memes. Yes, I wanted to talk to him, but even more seriously, I wanted to make sure he was always thinking about me.
  10. His Words Were More Important. They say actions speak louder than words. I didn’t pay attention to that saying while I was dating him. I cared way too much about what my boyfriend said compared to what he did, like when he ignored my texts or canceled plans last minute. I didn’t care about any of that as long as he apologized and swore to never do it again. Of course, he always did.
  11. I Really, Really Wanted Him To Love Me. Not only was I constantly sleeping with him (and doing things in bed I’ll NEVER EVER do again) but I was also doing absolutely everything I could to make sure he was happy. I did his laundry, went grocery shopping for him, made sure he remembered important dates and cooked his food (or at least I did my best because cooking isn’t my strong suit). I wanted him to love me so I made sure I was the perfect everything. What a mistake.
Jordan White is a lifestyle, sex, and relationship freelance writer with a passion for giving her audience something to laugh about. She is based in Scottsdale, Arizona and despises the heat more than anything. Living is one of her favorite hobbies.