Meeting another toxic loser can turn you all the way off to the search and leave you both hurt and jaded about dating altogether. It easy to feel like you’re just one more breakup away from a permanent vow of singlehood. You’re left scratching your head wondering if something is just fundamentally wrong with you or if dating itself is a complete disaster waiting to happen over and over. Here are 8 things to keep in mind if you’re fed up with trying to find love.
- It’s a numbers game. Realistically, there are only so many guys available and yes, a lot of “good catches” are already taken. So who’s left? Well, there are damaged guys who may have been dumped or burned by a previous relationship and may or may not be emotionally ready to start over, complete a-holes who continuously barrel through women and you’re the next target, shy guys who struggle to make a move, or the lingering decent dudes who just haven’t met that special someone yet or were too busy to take looking seriously. It’s important to remember that simply being available isn’t a sole qualifier for being eligible. He may even be lying about that part!
- You don’t have to settle. Attention is nice. Having someone to share your day with and spend time with is as well. But does that mean the first person who offers these to you is automatically “The One”? Don’t put all of your emotional eggs in one basket with any ol’ guy who comes along. Enjoy the time getting to know someone but keep an open mind about it not leading anywhere.
- You are responsible for your expectations. How things are going with someone could be looked at in two completely different ways depending on your attitude. Even a breakup, for instance, could be mental confirmation that “all dudes suck” or you could be happy for an ending with someone who wasn’t worth your time. If you view dating as the be-all, end-all for finding a lifelong partner, then you may be setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Every single person you talk to doesn’t have to either be your husband or break your heart. You might need to be more realistic about what the process of getting to know people and seeing where it leads is really all about.
- You also have to take responsibility for how people treat you. I’m not saying it’s your fault if someone is abusive toward you, but there are legitimately toxic dudes out there who will mistreat any woman who lets them. Guys don’t always treat you badly because something is wrong with you or as a reaction to anything you do. It could just be who they are and how they treat others if they can get away with it. But it is your responsibility to learn what behavior is a red flag and respond accordingly. If you see the signs, just move on immediately. Don’t stick around for it to get worse because then you’re making it a choice to be in a bad or shady situation.
- Dating is optional. If you think dating sucks, you don’t even have to do it. Society can make it seem like being single is such a terrible thing and that’s not true at all. It’s totally up to you if you even want a partner or when you decide to pursue this. Don’t give in to pressure and do something you don’t even enjoy. The wrong relationship can bring out the worst in you, so make a wise choice about who you open up and attach yourself to on your own terms.
- Being coupled up isn’t an immediate end to dating woes. Relationships with anyone (friends, family, coworkers, children) can be hard. Don’t get caught up in “destination addiction” thinking patterns and believe that once you find your person and are done with the dating world, everything will magically be easier and better. Being committed is a different and ongoing challenge to take on. There’s no real security in it or else divorce wouldn’t be a thing. Don’t put all your frustration and blame on where you’re at in life today on dating itself and glamorize a relationship/marriage beyond what it is.
- Challenges should still teach you a lesson. Try not to get so wrapped up in how bad a situationship was that you miss what it might be able to teach you about other people, yourself, and what the right relationship could look like. Even if one guy turns out to be a bad apple, if you were attracted to him at any point then don’t ignore that. Keep a record of what worked for you, what is now a new dealbreaker, and what red flags you might have overlooked in hindsight. Use this information to be a little smarter the next time and the next until you know for sure exactly what you’re looking for and what you will not tolerate/accept from someone.
- Sometimes it really does suck. Nothing I’ve said previously is meant to invalidate your feelings. All the best advice in the world does not erase the fact that sometimes, guys can be complete dirtbags. For whatever reason on their part, you gave your all and had the best intentions and they trampled on your heart with their immature unappreciative ways. That’s not okay, but just know that you can sit here and continue to cry about it and take it out on the next guy who comes along or you can move forward, become a smarter and stronger you, and leave that miserable wreck to keep being the boring guy that he is while you win. Remember, the best revenge is massive success. Just try to let it go.
