Does He Want To Date Me Or Just Sleep With Me? This Is How To Tell

Does he want to date me or just sleep with me? You would think the answer to this question would be a lot more obvious, but sadly it’s not. Some guys will do anything to get laid. They’ll say and do exactly what you want (or what they THINK you want) until they’ve gotten you into bed, and suddenly everything changes. It’s the worst. If you want to avoid being duped by a sex-hungry dude, watch out for these red flags.

  1. Every conversation with him has sexual undertones (or overtones). You’re trying to talk about Season 4 of Ozark or what the best pizza topping is and he’s making all kinds of innuendos and trying to steer things down a whole different path. It’s very clear what’s on his mind and it’s not developing a deep bond with you, that’s for sure.
  2. He’s trying to move everything at a faster pace. He’s super into hanging out with you all the time, especially late at night. The operative phrase here is “hanging out.” He’s not taking you on dates. He’s not interested in taking it slow and learning about you. He’s interested in logging as much face time as possible because he figures that’ll lead to getting you in the sack faster. Every time you chill is another opportunity for him to push the envelope.
  3. He isn’t interested in taking you out and being creative. He puts no thought into your time together. It’s all Netflix and chill, maybe going out for drinks and a snack if you’re lucky. There are no adventures, no surprises, no thoughtful custom-planned outings. He doesn’t care about intriguing you or sharing memorable experiences. He cares about getting into your pants as soon as he can. If he’s not putting in any effort, that’s a huge warning sign.
  4. He doesn’t learn anything about you. This is a telling sign you really shouldn’t ignore. If he’s completely self-absorbed and all he does is spout off crap about himself, his problems, and his own life, get the hell out of there. Not only is this rude, it’s boring. He doesn’t take any time to learn about you because he frankly doesn’t care. Don’t make excuses for this behavior or look the other way. Don’t fool yourself. He’s in this for one thing and one thing only.
  5. He’d rather make out than talk. Yeah, making out is great and all, but wouldn’t you rather not jump straight into that? If he doesn’t talk to you, he’s not invested in you. It’s quite simple. Obviously he’s attracted to you and that’s wonderful if that’s all you want. It’s great that he’s attracted to your outside, but you need to make sure he’s attracted to your inside before you go any further.
  6. Even if he does take you out, it’s a means to an end. Some guys will take another approach, which is impressing you into bed with them. This one will wine and dine you, take you to fancy restaurants, and always pay. That’s obviously nicer than dealing with some cheapskate who wants to have sex with you after a Burger King date, but don’t trick yourself into thinking that he values you anymore. He’s still an egomaniac who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings. He’s basically trying to buy you, which is pretty gross. You’re better than that.

More warning signs to be on the lookout for

  1. He forgets everything you tell him. It’s not because he’s absent-minded, it’s because he was never listening in the first place. Even if you do manage to get a word in edgewise around his running self-focused monologue, he doesn’t hear it. He’s too busy thinking about himself — constantly. You aren’t even on his radar as a priority, so he doesn’t take the time to absorb what you say. It’s not cool, and quite frankly, unacceptable in anyone with whom you share your time.
  2. He only wants to hang out at night, on short notice. “Usually, you only make plans or see each other on his terms and when it is convenient for him,” explains licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD. “Typically, this will also look like texts/calls in the evening or late at night, usually when he is feeling lonely, maybe had a few drinks, and is looking for a booty call/hookup. If he avoids seeing you in the daytime, he probably isn’t looking for anything serious. He is avoiding anything that could feel like a date.” Unless you really don’t give a damn and really want to get laid no matter what the circumstances, please don’t bend to this behavior. Men keep doing it because women keep letting them get away with it. It’s so below your worth.
  3. He takes no interest in what you’re doing with your life. What does he care? This is just about sex to him. You’re a conquest there for the taking, and learning about who you are as a person would only interfere with that mission. He doesn’t plan on being in your future, so he doesn’t really care what you’re going to do with it. He’s all about the here and now and what he can get from you as quickly as possible. If his eyes glaze over when you begin talking about your own interests and passions, that’s a sure sign he’s only in it for some ass.
  4. He actually attempts to Netflix and chill like you don’t know what’s going on. Ladies, you aren’t stupid. Most of the time you know exactly what’s going on when he tries to act slick. Most guys just aren’t that smooth. “This kind of guy will also never take you out on dates. They usually involve you coming over to his place late at night and hanging at home,” says Schiff. “He might get irritated or annoyed if you don’t have sex. If he liked you and was interested in more, he would be respectful of your feelings and just be happy to spend time with you, sex would be a bonus on top — not the only incentive.”
  5. Once you have sex, his attention wanes considerably. He’s gotten what he wants. He may want to continue, or he may be content to have just had you once and go on his way. Now he doesn’t feel like he has to try at all, so he doesn’t. He figures you’ve done it once, you’ll do it again without him attempting to make it worth your while. Hopefully, it was at least good because a roll in the hay is all you’re gonna get out of him. If he loses all interest once you’ve given it up, that’s how you know you never should’ve done it. Too late now, but you can reclaim your dignity by kicking him to the curb straightaway.

Steps you can take to avoid guys who only want to sleep with you

Of course, there’s no guarantee that a guy you start dating will be honest about what he’s looking for. However, there are steps you can take to increase your chances of weeding out the players and commitmentphobes. He might want to sleep with you, but he has to earn that privilege. While he proves himself to you (or decides he can’t be bothered), you have work to do too.

It’s always worth engaging in some deep self-reflection. While it’s not your fault if a guy manipulates you to get you into bed, it’s still important to be self-aware. Recognizing any toxic patterns or behaviors that cause you to end up in situations like this could provide insight and protection in the future. “I think women can lessen the chance of this happening by reflecting on any past patterns that have led them to be in a ‘situationship’ and considering why they might ignore red flags,” explains mental health therapist Abby Wilson, LCSW.

“I recommend doing a lot of inner work to gain insight into themselves and their patterns. If you want to find a meaningful relationship, it’s important to be very conscious when dating. This could look like not getting too wrapped up in the emotions, and staying grounded in the reality of the situation. Taking time to reflect logically on what is happening in the dynamic is essential to maintaining a healthy perspective.”

A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at