If He Does These Things When You’re Not Around, He’s Not The One for You

If you’ve been dating a guy for some time but you still can’t get a good read on him, you may want to put some time into thinking over your relationship. Is he the one for you or is he just a good placeholder for the time being? One way to tell is by the things he does when you’re not around. Here are eight deal breakers.

  1. He talks about you negatively. If he has any sort of gripes, he needs to address you directly, not your family, your friends, or his friends. It’s one thing to occasionally vent and it’s another to constantly complain. Make sure you’re not being typecast as the “annoying girlfriend” based on your guy’s stories. You’re not supposed to be a punchline — you’re supposed to be his partner.
  2. He checks out dating apps out of boredom. If you’re in a committed relationship, there’s literally no reason for him to keep those apps on his phone anymore. If you break up, they’re easy enough to re-download. Even if he claims he’s just flipping through people out of boredom, all it takes is one fight or one weak day for him to message someone. Don’t let him tell you that you’re “being paranoid” if you don’t like this behavior — you’re right to feel uncomfortable about it. If he’s that bored, try to find an online game the two of you can play together.
  3. He texts his ex. Guys can be friends with their exes — it does happen. Remember, Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld started out as exes. The problem is if he keeps this behavior from you or only texts her if you’re not around. He needs to be open and honest with you about their relationship and the amount that they talk. If she’s so cool, try to book an outing for the three of you one day so you can see their chemistry (or lack of) in person.
  4. He drinks or does drugs in secret. Drinking alcohol isn’t a bad thing — in fact, it can be a great way to unwind. But if your guy is hiding drugs or alcohol or partaking in them when you’re not around, he may have a problematic addiction. You can look into getting him help, but it’s his decision to make. Your decision is whether or not you can hold onto this relationship. It’s okay if it’s too much to handle, especially if it’s fairly new. It’s fair to say that he’s a completely different person when you’re not around.
  5. He flirts with other women. Some guys just have a flirty way of behaving. And that’s fine… until it crosses the line. If he’s out flirting with other women while you’re home by yourself, it’ll be hard to trust him. Any guy who appears to be single when he isn’t doesn’t value you. He doesn’t have to be cold or isolated when in a room with other women, but going overboard with compliments will give her the wrong idea and he knows this.
  6. He depends too much on porn. Porn is a great tool, but it’s also possible to get addicted to it. If he’s spending all of his free time looking at adult videos online, it may end up affecting your actual sex life. You also get to determine whether or not porn counts as “cheating.” Most women are fine with guys watching videos but draw the line when it comes to cam girls, as it’s a one-on-one reaction with a real person. You need to figure out how you feel about these things and let him know. If the behavior doesn’t stop, he’s not worth it.
  7. He’s mean towards women. Shaming someone based on how they look is the definition of mean. Don’t be the type of girl who dates a guy that’ll criticize them the second they gain five pounds. Refuse to let your guy body shame other women. Even if you’re completely childfree and plan to stay that way, this sort of behavior is really toxic, especially around kids. If he claims he’s “joking,” then you know he has a terrible sense of humor. Dump him before he dumps you over something artificial.
  8. He tells his friends that he’s never getting married. This is fine unless he’s telling you the opposite to your face. Saying he’d “love to settle down with you” and then acting like a forever-bachelor when he’s around his friends isn’t cool. He’s sending mixed messages. It’s possible that he’s unclear over what he wants, which is fine if he’s young. But if he’s not being honest about how he envisions his future, he’s only wasting your time.
Karen Belz is a New Jersey native who is currently living in Maryland. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Speech Communication with a focus in Broadcasting and Print Media Studies from Millersville University of Pennsylvania. Since graduating, she has written for sites like LittleThings, HelloGiggles, and Scary Mommy and is currently an e-commerce editor at Bustle.

When she's not writing, she enjoys making her phone run out of memory after taking too many photos of her dog. You can find her on Twitter @karenebelz or on Instagram @karenbelz.