It Doesn’t Matter How Well The First Date Goes — I’m Not Going To Sleep With You

First dates should be magical, but that magic doesn’t come from the bedroom. I don’t care if there’s candy, flowers, a romantic dinner, or an amazing movie — no matter how much I like you after the first date, this is why I’m not going to sleep with you:

  1. I don’t do casual sex. If you’re more interested in a physical relationship than an emotional one, we don’t need to waste any more of each other’s time. I’m not interested in something casual. I’m looking for something serious, but I’m also looking to take things slow. I take my time falling in love, so if you can’t handle that, it’s in your best interest to get out now.
  2. I don’t owe you anything. Even if you paid for dinner, I don’t have to follow up your gracious gesture with an orgasm in return. A good first date doesn’t ever ensure you sex. At least, not with me. When and if I sleep with you, it will be for no other reason than I want to be with you physically. It’s my decision, and no amount of pressure will change that.
  3. If the first date goes well, you won’t be left with nothing. You’ll get a second date. Shouldn’t that be enough? If sex is a deal breaker, then you’d better just move along. I won’t sleep with you just to ensure a second date. If you want to be in my life and if you’re actually interested, then you won’t really care if sex is off the table the first time we hang out.
  4. A date is about the pleasure of each other’s emotional company. I’m not the girl for you if your endgame is to get me in bed. If that’s your goal with this date, then we’re obviously not on the same page. I’m looking for an emotional connection, so if all you care about is a physical one, then you’re going to be seriously disappointed.
  5. I want to get to know you before we move too fast. First dates aren’t about getting to know each other sexually — they’re about getting to know each other emotionally. I want to know who you are as a person, not as a lover… not yet, at least. The only question is do you really want to know me or just my body?
  6. At this point, you’re still practically a stranger. I’m more than just a warm body, but you wouldn’t know that because we just met. If we’re almost strangers, then why on earth would I want you in my bed? Sure, we went out on one date, but I don’t just give away my heart within a few hours. I don’t really know you yet, and until I do, you’re not welcome in my bedroom.
  7. I’ve never had a one-night stand. I never will. That’s just not how I choose to live my life. I don’t judge others for their sexual encounters, and I expect the same courtesy in return. As much as everyone has a right to participate in casual or even meaningless sex, I have every right not to. So it’s nothing personal — I just won’t make an exception for you.
  8. It takes a lot more than one date to win my heart or my body. I’m not that desperate. If I needed an orgasm, I could accomplish that little job all on my own. If you want to sleep with me, then it will take a lot more than buying me dinner: it’ll take being a good man, a good boyfriend, and falling head over heals in love with each other.
  9. Every first time should be special. Sex isn’t something I take lightly. If I’m giving you a first time, it’s because I think there’s going to be a second time, a third, and so on. I’m in this for the long run, not for a one-night stand. If I have sex with you, I’m expecting this relationship to actually go somewhere, and that’s why I want our first time to be special.
  10. I’m trying to fall in love, not into bed. I didn’t go out with you because I wanted to sleep with you — I went out with you because I felt a spark. I thought that maybe there was something between us that was actually worth exploring. I’m not expecting you to pronounce your undying love for me on our very first date, but don’t expect me to fall out of my clothes and into your arms either.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.