I Don’t Ask For Much — Just Stop Sending Me Mixed Messages

I won’t demand your Facebook password. I don’t need your credit card. And when you’re up for a big night out but I’m only down for eating ice cream in bed? Hit the bar with your friends — I might even wait up for you. In a world of jealousy and suspicion, I can be a pretty cool girlfriend… so is it really necessary to keep playing so hot and cold with my heart?

  1. When I’m upfront with you, I expect the same in return. I’m not good at playing hard to get, and I’ve never pretended to be. When I like you, you’ll know it, so is it so crazy for me to want you to return the favor? One minute, we’re in love. The next, it’s like you’re on an entirely different planet. If you’re planning on spacing out of this relationship, the least you could do is keep me updated on your travel plans.
  2. I’m invested in this, but you’re still playing the markets. The economy of this relationship is far from fair-trade and we’re both feeling the impact. While you’re out diversifying your dating portfolio, I’ve got all my stock in this little thing called “us”… and your lack of investment is tanking it. When you’re all-in one day and all-out the next, there’s no telling where your affections will fall next. If we’re going to make this work, we need to be on the same page.
  3. You seem like you’re really into me… until you’re not. I know love can be a roller coaster, but yours is more of a carousel. If I bide my time, I’m sure you’ll always come around again, but in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if this won’t be the rotation when the ride finally stops. One way or another, this carnival is going to come to an end eventually. I just wish I knew whether we were going home together.
  4. I thought we had chemistry, but chemical reactions are supposed to stabilize. All of this “will they/won’t they” drama was exciting, intense, and, sure, even a little sexy at first. But while I’m feeling like slipping into something a little more comfortable, it seems like you’re still only interested in playing games. I’d love to find some kind of stable middle ground between, “I love you forever” and “I’m never texting you back again.” Think we could give it a try?
  5. Your commitment issues are on you, not me. What I’m bringing to the table: emotional maturity, self-confidence, and a willingness to make things work. What you’re bringing to the table: a whole load of baggage that I sure as hell didn’t plan for, let alone pack. Your commitment issues are your problem, and frankly, I’m tired of being the only one who has to pay for them.
  6. Playing games is for children and NFL quarterbacks. If you think the mixed messages you’re sending out are keeping me interested, think again. This might be fun for you, but it’s certainly not for me. Unless you’re sporting a Super Bowl ring that you haven’t told me about, I’d suggest leaving the games to the pros (and out of our love life).
  7. I’m an optimist, but even I think this is asking a lot. Call me too hopeful to function, but I’m the kind of girl who dares to get her hopes up. Perpetual optimism? It’s kind of my thing. Every time you swing back around with the flowers, the pet names, and the sweet-talk, it might be enough to string me along for a little longer… but eventually, even we optimists know when to give up hope. What does that mean for you? The clock is ticking, kiddo.
  8. If you think you’ve got better options, go for them. No girl wants to be just another option on your menu. You’re the romantic equivalent of the dude that sits at IHOP all night drinking the free coffee. I’m a delicious, buttery stack of 2AM pancakes. So here’s the deal: either order or get out.
  9. I’d rather get dumped than limp along in uncertainty. I’m not so afraid of the single life that I’d choose being “with” you (kind of, sort of, on a good day) over being alone. Hell, like being alone. Don’t think for a minute that my affections for you outweigh my affections for myself. At the end of the day, no boyfriend is better than a flaky boyfriend. I can watch Netflix and eat pizza all by myself while you don’t text me.
  10. If your heart’s not in this by now, it never will be. Sometimes, it takes a while for love to really take root… but even the best gardeners know when to give up on watering bad seeds. Someday, someone’s going to come along who makes you feel the things that I’m finally realizing I never will. There comes a time when a girl needs to stop reading too much into mixed messages, so here’s a response that’s loud and clear: If you can’t make up your mind about me, that’s all I need to know to make my mind up about you.