I Don’t Care If It’s “Normal”—I’m Not Cool With My Boyfriend Watching Adult Films

My girlfriends roll their eyes as they shrugged off their guys’ use of porn as if it were simply an annoying habit, as innocent as leaving dirty laundry on the bathroom floor. Of course all guys watch porn, they told me, but I wasn’t having it. I don’t care what anyone says—I’m not cool with my BF watching porn.

  1. Porn makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’m not the first girl to say it and I’m sure I won’t be the last, but porn makes me very very uncomfortable. Call me a prude, but I value my body, what I do with it, and who I show it to. Likewise, I’m not super keen on seeing just anyone naked, much less performing a 69 on their partner. I’m just not OK with it, period.
  2. Don’t pull that “big libido” crap with me. Believe me, I’m well acquainted with the biological differences between men and women and want to get my kicks just as much as the next person. But I don’t buy the “guys need porn” argument. If they need to get it on, they can hit up their girlfriends or take a long shower. You think having a big libido is a hard burden to bear? Try getting your period every month—or better yet, giving birth to another human being.
  3. Porn feels disloyal. I’ve been told again and again that watching porn isn’t the same as cheating, but am I crazy for not wanting my guy to get his jollies from some big-breasted bimbo he’s never met? Maybe I’m extremely old-fashioned, but I believe that sex is intimate even if it’s not always romantic and something that should be performed face to face (or at least in person).
  4. The idea of my boyfriend watching porn makes me feel unneeded. Calm down, I’m not saying that I’m only needed by my boyfriend for sex. I just mean that the thought of my guy watching porn makes me feel less desired than if I was the only person to turn him on. If my guy can pleasure himself over a YouTube video, what motivation will he have for pulling me close and getting something started when I’m in the mood?
  5. It’s especially not cool if he watches porn when I’m around. No, I likely won’t be in the mood for sex every night, but that doesn’t give him a free pass to get it on at his computer while I’m preoccupied. I find it extremely disrespectful (not to mention gross) that guys watch porn when their girlfriends are in the other room. If you’ve settled on such an agreement with your partner, fine, live your life, I’m not here to judge. But that kind of thing won’t fly with me. Relationships are all about sacrifice and if the toughest thing my guy has to do is to wait to have sex with his girlfriend, I think he’ll be OK.
  6. It’s extremely sexist. Alright I know I’m not coming off as Feminist Of the Year after that “big-breasted bimbo” comment earlier, but porn—at least porn intended for a male audience—doesn’t exactly champion women for their intelligence. These videos feature the “ideal” woman, one with an hourglass figure and no body hair whose only goal in each scenario is to please her partner. I like that my boyfriend appreciates my body, but I’ll be damned if his favorite quality of mine is my chest.
  7. Porn creates unrealistic expectations for guys. Sorry, babe, but I’m never going to come on cue for you and more times than not, I probably won’t come at all. I’m not undermining my BF’s sexual prowess, but real sex, like real life, isn’t always perfect. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, even frustrating at times, but that’s the nature of the beast (if I can use such an expression in relation to sex). The mark of a good relationship is being able to appreciate real sex as it is and not wishing your partner was capable of doing or feeling something he or she clearly isn’t.
  8. Half the joy of having sex is being close to someone you care about. I feel like I can say this having played the FWB game and having talked to friends, guys and girls, who have regretted random hookups. Sex is so much better when you’re doing it with someone you care about, so how could virtual sex possibly hold up against the real thing? I get that animal instinct to want to get it on without a moment’s hesitation, but once the video ends, isn’t the aftermath lonely?
  9. If you’re not in a relationship, go for it. Like I said, I totally get the need to unwind every now and then. If you’re a single person looking for some self-pleasure, by all means, fire up Pornhub and get it on—I won’t stop you. But if you’re dating me at the time, get used to getting your kicks offline.
Julia is a recent graduate of the University of Virginia where she majored in English and French language and literature. She's engaged in an on-again-off-again French love affair (with the country itself) and has been crushing on French pop star Jean-Baptiste Maunier for about 8 years. When she's not writing you can find her rereading The Wizard of Oz or trying to run away with the circus.