I Don’t Have A Mental Image Of The Relationship I Want And I Think That’s A Problem

Do you know what your ideal boyfriend and ideal relationship would look like? Well, I have no clue, and I’m afraid I never will. Meanwhile, everyone else around me seems to have it all worked out. How am I ever going to find love if I dont’ know what I’m looking for?

All my BFFs know exactly what their dream guy and their dream relationship look like.

I mean, it’s like they’ve got everything planned down to the color of the baby’s room. And those are my single friends! It’s always felt weird to me to have your whole life planned out for you before you’ve even met your boyfriend, but having goals in mind definitely helps. I have career goals, so why can’t I settle on relationship goals?

I’ve never wanted to settle down and have babies.

When I hear my friends talk about their ideal relationships, I just can’t get excited. I mean, I’m happy for them that they know exactly what they want, but the relationship itself doesn’t appeal to me. If it did, my life would be a lot easier, I’m sure. Have I just not come across the type of relationship that would actually appeal to me or am I just not ready yet for the sort of relationship I’ll eventually want?

Whenever I’m asked about it, I just freeze.

I was struggling after a breakup and the person I was talking to asked me what my relationship goals were and whether the guy I just split up with could fit into those. My mind literally went blank. I had no idea what to tell her. Which made me realize I had no idea whether I should really be happy or sad about losing this ex.

Apart from the obvious ones, I don’t even know what qualities I’m looking for in a guy.

If you ask me what my perfect guy’s supposed to be like, I’m just going to reel off a bunch of adjectives—smart, funny, caring, etc. But if I try to imagine the actual feel of the guy? Nada.

I keep dating the wrong people because I don’t know what the right one is like. 

I think that if you have goals in mind then you choose your boyfriends based on more than just infatuation and physical attraction. But in my case, I just seem to go through guys who are blatantly wrong for me, without ever managing to put my finger on what’s right. It seems to be a never-ending process of elimination. I’m worried that if I don’t get my act together, this process will really never end. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and most of them are not the right fish for me!

Do I need to go through dozens of terrible relationships before a good one?

I’m beginning to think that I’m still in the learning phase of my love life, where I’m learning about different possibilities, different men and what works and doesn’t work for me. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that, apart from knowing the rest of my friends have already defined their goals quite clearly and are further along in their search. I almost feel like I’m somehow less evolved.

Am I lacking imagination?

Should I be able to imagine my idea of a perfect relationship without having to physically go through all the wrong ones? Most of my friends seem to be able to, but I wonder if that’s because they want the classic relationship model that’s set out in front of them from age 0. Maybe most people can’t imagine a relationship from scratch unless they either fall into one subconsciously or see an example.

Is it down to having parents who are happily married?

My friends who have very clear relationship goals mostly come from very happy families. Their parents are still together, their families get along just great and everything seems like the perfect example of a good life. My childhood looked very different, so I’m wondering whether that means I’m lacking in some relationship role model.

Am I supposed to model my own relationships on other people’s?

There are so many different types of perfect relationships, maybe I just need to familiarize myself with a few more. Or maybe what I need to do is just talk to my friends with clear relationship goals and see if I can find myself in something like that after all?

Do I even want a traditional relationship?

Sometimes I think the reason I don’t know what my ideal relationship will look like is that I don’t even want one. I’ve been single for so long, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a boyfriend.

Am I so happy being single that I can’t imagine life with someone else being better?

The truth is, I’m perfectly happy the way I am now. Maybe that’s why it takes so much mental effort to imagine a time and place where I would share my life with someone around the clock and it would be just as good as it is right now. Could my friends’ obsession with relationship goals mean they are simply unhappy with their lives as they are? Are they just judging their lives based on a certain standard society’s forcing on us? I have no idea. But for now, I can’t even see beyond my current place in mine.


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