If You Don’t Know The Difference Between “Your” And “You’re,” You Don’t Stand A Chance

Ever gotten a text from a certain someone that was so full of misspelled words and weird sentence structure that you couldn’t even get the main gist? I’m sure people don’t care if someone can’t tell the difference between “their,” “they’re,” and “there” but for me, an English degree-wielding writer, it’s a dealbreaker.

1. Basic grammar and spelling skills should be common knowledge. I’ve always been under the impression that being able to spell proficiently and craft the simplest of sentences (somewhere in between See Spot Run and War and Peace) was a given in 2017. Chatspeak is cute and there’s no doubt that I use it too, but if you use “ur” even in serious conversations, you can see yourself out.
2. There’s no excuse for it nowadays. They call them smartphones for a reason, friends. Our iPhones and Androids have the entire internet at their disposal, including the freakin’ Merriam-Webster dictionary, so why is it so damn hard for people to get it right? Turn on Auto-Correct and let the robots help you, for crying out loud.
3. If you didn’t pay attention in school, are you paying attention to me? We start learning the ins and outs of English when we’re pretty young, i.e. when our attention spans aren’t the longest, so I’ll give them that one. But if they screwed around in middle school, high school, and beyond, how am I supposed to know if they’re even competent enough to be with a bomb-ass girl like me?
4. Intelligence is a turn-on. And the opposite is basically the equivalent to holding a giant, blinking neon sign above their head that reads “Don’t Date Me If You Value Your Precious Brain Cells.” I’m not being a bitch, I just know what I find attractive and simple-mindedness isn’t hot in my book. I love Disney, but let’s just say that Dopey isn’t my favorite of Snow White’s seven dwarves.
5. Poor grammar and bad spelling are in no way romantic. If I can’t get through reading a text from someone without majorly cringing or letting out a pity laugh, that’s pretty bad. Their messages should leave me warm and fuzzy, not questioning whether or not they graduated high school.
6. Sexting becomes a straight up joke. Speaking of laughing, imagine how bad sexting would be with someone who can’t even spell the word “vagina” correctly. Sexting is already kind of strange, but I can only dream of how odd it would be if I spent more time trying to decipher the so-called “sexy” messages than actually getting off to them.
7. Text conversations have to stay under wraps. If they type like a baby or a smarter-than-average cat got a hold of their phone (if that’s offensive to cats, I apologize), how am I supposed to share said disastrous messages with my friends without it reflecting badly on me? Everyone knows one of the best things about dating someone new is sending screenshots of the juicy convo to a group message full of your BFFs for their approval. They say you are who you associate yourself with, so best just to avoid the situation altogether.
8. Bad spelling and poor grammar makes you seem lazy. If they can’t put in the effort to learn how to effectively communicate with another human being (i.e., me), I interpret that as straight-up laziness. And if they won’t even let their smartphone try to help them either, they’re a lost cause in my book. Hello, ever heard of text-to-talk? Who wants to be with someone who won’t even help themselves? Not me.
9. It makes me feel embarrassed for them. Here’s a list of normal things to feel when you’re dating the right person: happy, proud, giddy, content, secure. Here’s a list of not-so-normal things to feel when you think you’re dating the right person: sad, embarrassed, unsure, unhappy. In other words, if our conversations are causing me to face palm or eye roll on a daily basis, I should probably just give it up. I deserve a person I can’t wait to talk to and support, not someone who stirs up negative feelings.
10. It’s practically impossible to overlook it. I don’t care how hot they are or how awesome their apartment is, once the grammar damage is done, there’s no looking back. It’s kind of like the dating equivalent of having something gross stuck in my teeth: once I’m aware of it, I can’t stop obsessing over it. Ugh.