I Don’t Know If I’ll Ever Love A Guy Enough To Want To Marry Him

I’ve often considered myself a commitment-phobe, but the truth is that I’m not scared of committing to a guy — I’m just scared of doing it forever. I’m fine with staying with the same man for years at a time, but my anxiety goes way up at the mere thought of taking that next step. I’ll jump right into a serious relationship with someone I care about, but this is why it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than love to convince me to marry him:

  1. A breakup is infinitely easier than a divorce. Deciding to be in a relationship is pretty easy because I know if things don’t work out, all I need to do is have a tough conversation and be on my way. But getting out of marriage is a whole lot tougher. Divorce is expensive, lengthy, and downright heartbreaking. I would hope that my relationship didn’t go downhill in the first place, but if it did, I’d want the end to be as quick and painless as possible.
  2. I hate the idea of being trapped. The easy escape that a non-marital relationship offers is appealing. Even though divorce is possible (and sadly, all too common), the difficulty of it would constantly make me feel like the way out was too hard to even attempt. I’m fine with the average boyfriend-girlfriend relationship because even when all is well, I know that I could be out in an instant if things were to go wrong. In marriage, I’d be tied down.
  3. “Forever” is a long-ass time. The idea of being with someone for a few months or even a few years is nice. But “’til death do us part” is a much longer amount of time to be with one person. Perhaps forever won’t seem to be enough if I find the right person to spend it with, but for now, I can’t imagine being with one person for so long.
  4. I don’t know what I’ll want down the road. I know who I am now, and I can be fairly sure that I’ll be the same person tomorrow, but what happens five years from now? Ten? Fifty? I know how much I’ve changed in the past year alone, and I fear that my potential future husband and I might wake up one day and realize that we’re married to someone completely different than who we fell in love with. Plenty of couples grow with each other, but I’m scared of younger me marrying someone who would be terrible for older me.
  5. I’m not interested in settling down. I still have stuff to do, places to be, and people to see. The idea of staying in one place with one person for the rest of my life is the exact opposite of what I want, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. I know that not all marriages end up boring, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d become complacent if I were legally bound to someone.
  6. I’ve heard too many horror stories. Far too many of my friends have started out in beautiful, loving relationships that went completely downhill after they tied the knot. I would’ve been able to look past it if it seemed like a one-time fluke, but it seems like a tragically common occurrence. Maybe it’d be different for me, but I just feel like with my luck, my husband would decide that he hated me on the first day of our honeymoon.
  7. I have a bad impression of marriage. I grew up watching my parents suffer through a marriage that should’ve ended years before it finally did, so I’ll admit that I’m a bit traumatized by the idea. I know that plenty of husbands and wives stay together until they pass away, but after seeing how hard everything was for my mom and dad, I feel like it would be stupid of me to follow in their footsteps.
  8. I can never decide what I want. I have no clue what I’m looking for in a man, and I often find myself aching to be single again after spending a while in one relationship. Maybe I just haven’t found the right guy to capture my heart yet, but I can’t imagine how much it would suck if a few years into my marriage, I realized that I wanted someone who was completely different from who I married. I’d never want to hurt someone like that, especially a man I’d pledged my eternal love to.
  9. I only want to be married once. I’m worried I’ll always be second-guessing myself if I ever find a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Since I don’t want to have to ever deal with getting divorced and then possibly remarried, I have to make sure that the man I choose to call my husband is good enough to be the only one to hold that title. But what if I make a mistake? What if I realize too late that he wasn’t my soulmate after all? The idea of messing up something so important makes staying unwed much more appealing.
  10. I’m a pessimist. I’ve tried convincing myself that I’m just a “realist,” but I know that’s not true. I have a very negative view of marriage and long-term relationships, and I know that such a mentality isn’t exactly healthy for maintaining everlasting love. Until it changes, I’m fine with sticking to relationships that don’t leave me bound to another person by law.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.