Don’t Mistake These Things For Real Commitment

Don’t Mistake These Things For Real Commitment ©iStock/skynesher

Before you’re really settled in a relationship, things can be a little stressful. You don’t know if he’s in it for the long haul, and figuring out if he plans on sticking around can seem next to impossible. In general, the signs are pretty obvious, but there are a few things you definitely shouldn’t mistake for commitment:

  1. Being close with his friends. He couldn’t be dating multiple women if you’re hanging out with his friends and his sister regularly, right? Wrong. Think about it — if you were bringing multiple guys around your friends, they would just be getting to know them all and respecting your privacy, not trying to put you on blast to the guys.
  2. “I miss you” texts. Those are cute, and even more so when they’re genuine, but they don’t mean you’re his girlfriend. For one thing, it’s possible to miss a lot of people at once, and for another thing, he isn’t specifying what it is about you that he misses. It might not be the same thing you miss about him.
  3. Sleepovers. Even if you spend so much time with him that it seems like it he’d have to clone himself to be seeing anyone else, don’t mistake your sleepovers for an unofficial girlfriend invite. He might be so cuddly that he reaches for your hand in your sleep, offer the sweetest morning kisses, and even keep your favorite coffee on hand… but still not be ready to commit.
  4. Accidental monogamy. So he isn’t seeing anyone else and neither are you — that still doesn’t spell commitment, it spells a somantics loophole that can be used later when someone gets upset that a new person enters the picture. “But we weren’t in a committed relationship!”
  5. Feelings. Of course he has feelings for you — he’s a living, feeling human. He also has feelings about dinner and not wanting to go to work tomorrow. If he’s dating you in any facet, you’d better hope to hell he likes you, right? Liking is a given, commitment is not.
  6. His niceness. Sure, that nice guy might differ from your former bad boy in a lot of ways, but don’t apply more characteristics to that label than it’s worth. In fact, a lot of “nice guys” turn out to be not so nice and a lot of “bad boys” picked up a reputation somewhere along the line that might not even fit them anymore.
  7. His desire to skip the condoms. Just because someone is willing or wanting to go condom-free with you doesn’t mean they’re being monogamous with you. It means they’re not worried that anyone they’re sleeping with might be carrying a life-altering STI. The most common bacterial infections are an easy antibiotic fix and he knows that. Let’s be honest.
  8. Longevity. Sleeping with someone for a year straight still doesn’t mean you’re in a committed relationship. It more likely means that you’re not. Sure, the relationship is going to feel pretty real in a lot of ways, because it is a relationship of some sort, regardless of what it’s labeled as. Going through a “breakup” in a faux relationship can be even harder than a breaking up a committed one, because he’s like “we were never even together,” and all your friends are like, “Duh!” and it’s hard to explain to anyone else who might happen to have some sympathy for you.
  9. When he asks you not to see anyone else. No matter how casual a relationship is, most men are still going to prefer that you don’t see anyone else if they like you. It makes things simpler on his end and he doesn’t have to think about other men doing you… even if he still wants to do other women. Is it hypocritical? Absolutely. Is it a commitment? No.
Kate Ferguson is a Los Angeles local and freelance writer for a variety of blog and magazine genres. When she's not writing, the UC Davis graduate is focused on pursuits of the entertainment industry, spin class, and hot sauce. Look for article links, updates, (and the occasional joke) on Twitter @KateFerg or @WriterKateFerg, or check out her personal blog