I’ve been in so many bad relationships over the years and every single time, I tend to get (unsolicited) advice from people on how I can improve my dating life in the future if I would simply “choose better men.” Not only is this obnoxious as hell since it implies that I’m some kind of imbecile who goes for losers, but it also puts the blame on me instead of on the men who screwed me over. Enough of this crap.
- I can only choose from what’s out there. While I feel like I have reasonably high standards and I always voice my expectations and standards early on in relationships, I can’t force guys to respect or abide by them. I’m pretty choosy about who I date, but a lot of men are guilty of pretending to be one type of person and then exposing their real selves once they get you hooked. Telling me to “choose better men” like there’s some secret stash of perfect guys that I just haven’t tapped into yet is ridiculous.
- I’ve never lowered my standards. As I said, I have standards and I’ve never once lowered them or compromised on them. This means that when a guy I’ve been seeing disrespects me, lies to me, cheats on me, or generally isn’t on my level, I’m quick to make an exit. When people say I should “choose better men,” that ignores the fact that I’m choosing the best men I can. When they turn out to be less than great, they’re gone.
- I’m always on the lookout for red flags. One of the ways all straight women can choose better men in general is by not allowing our feelings for a guy to overshadow or cancel out any red flags. When I start dating a guy, even when I’m really into him, I’m still on the lookout for any warning signs that he’s not who he says he is or that he’s not going to treat me the way I deserve. If I notice them, I act on them immediately, either by confronting him or leaving him.
- I treat guys the way I want to be treated in relationships. I’m not someone who expects a guy to cater to me and treat me like a queen while I offer nothing in return. I treat the people I date the way I want to be treated — it’s only fair. Telling me to choose better men as if that’s going to be the key to finding a guy who is emotionally mature, willing to commit, and prepared to put in the effort is reductive and ridiculous. I’m already choosing guys who seem to want the same things as I do because they say they do. If that turns out about the case, how am I supposed to know that ahead of time?
- Blaming women for men’s behavior is f–ked up. This is the crux of the issue for me. When people tell women to “choose better women,” they’re obviously trying to be empowering, as if the power is in our hands to end up with these real-life Prince Charmings. However, they’re also blaming women for men’s behavior. Sure, it’s my fault that a guy cheated on me, treated me like trash, ghosted me, etc. If only I could just choose better men, that would guarantee none of these things would ever happen to me and I’d never be heartbroken again. Sure.
- It’s not about my choices, it’s about their actions. This seems obvious to me but it obviously isn’t to many people. I could change the men I choose (though I’m not sure how, to be honest) and still end up with the same results because at the end of the day, you can never control someone else’s behavior. Someone who’s cheated on isn’t at fault for that — they didn’t make the cheater sleep with someone else. How about we start holding men accountable for their own actions for once?
- Men need to do better. This is it. I’m not saying women are perfect or never do anything wrong in relationships. Of course we do! However, the way men behave in modern relationships leaves a lot to be desired, and I’m sure most straight single women would say the same. I’d love to choose better men, but that would require men to be better in general. Until then, stop putting the onus on women to fix things.
