I go for long periods of time between boyfriends, and usually that means I’m not having sex. I don’t date much because I’m busy and quite frankly, I don’t trust men very much. This means I keep my pants on and my worries down. I’m all good with it — I know that I’m hot regardless:
- Sex isn’t everything. I love sex, and I’m happy to have it. Still, I know that it’s not the only measure of my sensuality. There are a lot of ways to enjoy and explore life in a sexy way that have nothing to do with sex itself! I find that my attitude is everything and that the way I approach my life is sexy if I’m open and free.
- I’m not just some object. I am full of complexity and hidden dimensions, as are all people. I don’t consider my worth to lie in whether the popular majority finds me sexually attractive or not. My physical appearance is just a small element of who I am. I may not be literally getting naked with anyone, but I think my willingness to embrace who I am is much hotter anyway.
- I don’t judge my own sexiness based on male attention. I go through dry spells when I literally feel invisible to guys. Men don’t flirt with me or hit on me. They barely even speak to me. I know it’s nothing personal and that it doesn’t mean I’m undesirable. I can’t read their minds — I can never presume to know what’s really going on with another person. I feel sexy regardless.
- Sometimes what I don’t give away is sexiest. I find it much hotter to make someone work for the benefits of my physical love than to treat my body like it’s disposable. Once upon a time, I thought that sex was the best thing I had to offer. I believed that if a man wasn’t interested in me physically I had failed. Now I know better, and I know that my mind and soul are the sexiest parts of me.
- I know real sexiness comes from within. I’ve had periods of time when I was very thin and fit, but I didn’t feel sexy. I was insecure and depressed, so the condition of my outer self didn’t matter. I’ve also had times when I was a little chubbier, but happy and fulfilled, and men were undeniably drawn to me. This taught me that radiating inner beauty is what makes me truly sexy.
- I feel my hottest when I’m happy, not when I’m having sex. The two aren’t mutually exclusive — sometimes having sex is what makes me happy! On the other hand, I’ve been in some very damaging relationships, and sex made me feel degraded and abused. I learned that my sensuality comes from living a full and happy life and loving myself, not from a physical act.
- Self-confidence has done more for my sexiness than anything. When I’m not in a good place and sleeping with someone makes me feel self-conscious, I’m not sexy. I know now that I need to do it for the right reasons or else it’s not good for me. I also learned that when I’m fully clothed and radiating confidence, I’m way hotter than when I’m naked and insecure!
- Sexy isn’t a physical quality — it’s an attitude. I know our culture constantly bombards us with the idea that superficial outer beauty is what matters. It’s a lie, and we have to resist the way it makes us feel, because that stuff isn’t sexy in the least. It’s demoralizing and hurtful. I feel sexiest when I’m wearing sweats and no makeup laughing my face off, not when I’m all made up and dressed up and uncomfortable as hell.
- Sometimes sex itself isn’t even sexy. Like I said, it can be awful. I’ve had sex with people I didn’t like very much. That felt gross. I’ve had sex with people who didn’t treat me like I mattered. That felt gross. I’ve had sex with people because I felt obligated or bored. That felt gross. I let go of the idea that sex and sexiness are somehow bound to each other and found my true sensuality.
- I’d rather be abstinent and happy than have bad sex. It’s much sexier to curl up by myself every night in my big empty bed and fall asleep happy and satisfied than to lie awake next to someone who upsets or frustrates or confuses me. I’ve spent a lot of time in bad relationships. I learned many lessons, and among them was that I’m sexiest when I’m on my own, feeling empowered and independent and alive. When I feel as sexy with a man as I do without one, I’ll be in the right relationship.
