Why I Don’t Want To Be Friends With Your Boyfriend

Your boyfriend sucks. There, I said it (online, anyway). As much as you think he’s a younger, hotter, funnier Brad Pitt/Ryan Gosling/Jake G. amalgam, the reality is that he has no place going to your girls’ night out (and he’s probably not enjoying it, anyway). As much as you want the love of your life to be “one of the girls” but also incredibly hot and manly, it’s just not going to happen. The next time you consider issuing an invite to your significant other, take a second to think about whether he’ll make a night with your friends better or entirely awkward. Here’s why I have no interest in being friends with your boyfriend.

  1. Most dudes don’t appreciate girl talk (unless it’s the DJ). The first time I was exposed to an awk significant other encounter, I was still in high school. A friend and I were just hanging out when she innocently invited her brand new boyfriend to join us. He wanted an activity, we wanted to gossip. He lurked until she finally set him loose. If you plan on shopping (not for lingerie) or gossiping (about peens you’ve seen), he’s far better off at home or out with his own crew.
  2. He’s never going to make a girls’ night more fun and fabulous. If, for some reason, you find it necessary to bring your guy on your tequila shots/bad decisions/dance floor make out session of an evening with your girlfriends, you need to think before you invite him. Is he friends with your besties? If they actually like him and aren’t just pretending to, he can come. Is he the best dancer you’ve ever been with? Again, then he’s invited. Does he have the means to buy you and your homies drinks? Sold. If he meets one or more of the above qualifications, he’ll improve a night out. If not hell either be lurking like an outsider or you’ll be grinding in a corner with him all night.
  3. If you’re going to break up, it’s a waste of everyone’s time. There are way too many girls I know who go on two Tinder dates and are suddenly insistent that I meet their Facebook official, very serious, definitely marriage material boyfriend. While I obviously want to scope out a best friend’s new beau, if he’s going to be gone before next week (or the next morning), there’s no reason for us to feign friendship.
  4. He probably has next to nothing in common with your girlfriends. If you like your boyfriend because he’s handsome, bully for you — but it will give us a limited rapport. It’s 1000 times worse if said boyfriend and your friend have nothing in common to begin with, because that limits conversation topics to the weather (scintillating) and my extremely limited knowledge of sports (sorry that I’ve never heard of your team).
  5. You’re still a person outside of your new boyfriend. Whether you’re in a new relationship or just can’t get enough of him, it makes total sense that you want your boyfriend to get to know your girlfriends. Meet and greets are to be expected. Grabbing drinks and intro-ing makes sense. Even taking him on a group outing is totally normcore. Once it crosses the line from 50 percent of the time to 100 percent is when you need to realize that your female friendships still mean something. If you can’t spend an hour away from him, something’s up.
  6. It’s not always appropriate for him to tag along. It’s when you start toting your dude around like a purse puppy that it starts getting eye roll worthy. If he looks like he’d rather by anywhere else and your girls don’t actually speak directly to him, it’s time to let him live his own life. Or, you can always combine his boys and your girls — sure, awkward hookups might occur, but it’s better than forcing him to sit through hours of Sex and the City-worthy chit chat.
  7. Third wheeling isn’t fun for anyone. If you’ve been single for way too long, you’re basically a professional third wheel at this point, ready to sell those services on Craigslist for couples looking for a third (and I’m not talking polyamory). Unless your boy toy is close with your friends, a third wheel scenario gets weird quickly. Why force a friendship that would never occur naturally? Let it go and leave him at home if you know that your plans aren’t anything he’d be interested in doing.
  8. When you do eventually break up, it’s just awkward. Now that I’m getting older, it’s more likely that my friends’ relationships won’t end into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But when breakups do inevitably happen, it’s always weird. Do I unfriend him on social media? Do I pretend we’ve never met when I inevitably run into him with his new girlf? Unclear, but it never ends in a lifelong friendship.
Margaret is a freelance writer who covers pop culture and fashion in New York City and currently writes for Page Six's Style section. Her work has been featured in Teen Vogue, xoJane, and Racked. She tweets about her crippling caffeine addiction and teen TV obsession here: @margaretabrams