Emotional Attractiveness: What It Is & How To Recognize It

It might seem like everything is about looks in the dating world, but that simply isn’t true. While someone’s physical appearance might be the first thing you notice when you meet someone, emotional attractiveness is so much deeper and more important. If you’re unsure what this type of attraction entails, read on.

What is emotional attractiveness?

  1. It goes beyond skin deep. The definition of emotional attractiveness is the connection to someone’s mind and personality rather than their body or sexual presentation. The person’s spirit is more important to you and more valuable than any physical attribute. Yes, those physical attributes will play a part in your overall assessment of a partner, but emotional attractiveness specifically relates to their emotional qualities.
  2. You’re personality driven. It’s a recognizable sign of being emotionally attractive if people — even strangers — find you compelling and funny. Some people will just chalk it up to being an extrovert, but that isn’t the case. Because you always let your personality shine, you have also been able to develop and refine it over the years. Emotional attractiveness is hard to fake; you either have it or you don’t.
  3. It’s not physical. There isn’t much in this world that isn’t about sex or power, but emotional attractiveness shows only an appreciation for mutual understanding and equality. While traditional relationship dynamics or objectives centralize around an end goal, or the desire to sleep with someone, emotional attractiveness is all about community. You can expect to learn about yourself and the other person while exploring your emotional identities.
  4. It’s deep and meaningful. I’m not saying that sex ruins relationships, but the over-determination of the role of sex in society does have the power to disrupt relationships. It becomes too important to people at the cost of emotional connection. Relationships oriented around emotional connection and mutual mental alignment are more likely to last longer and be more intellectually fulfilling.
  5. It comes with experience. Just like 20-year-olds and red wine, the appreciation for emotional attraction above physical attraction is initially an acquired taste. However, by the time you’re 35 on a Sunday night, you’re intrigued by both. This is because your tastes have changed and been informed by your experiences. You weren’t interested when you were young, but you can see what you were really missing now.
  6. It shows maturity. One of the surprising aspects of liking older partners lies in their emotional attractiveness. It’s often something that’s hard to put your finger on. You know that young people are fun-loving and attractive, but older generations with experience and emotional maturity are more desirable in a completely different way.

How to recognize it when you experience it

  1. You’re great at conversations. You’re always the person at a party that can keep a conversation flowing without any effort, and it never seems like you seek the limelight. It just always finds you. That shows that you’re emotionally attractive because people are attracted to your words and personality. You always find yourself accidentally having other people fall for you or get crushes because you’re available, warm, open, and interesting.
  2. You’re good at letting go of your pride. Some people really struggle to overcome their stubborn, egotistical streaks. We all have them and they’re normal, but that’s what makes it so refreshing when we see emotionally realized, mature people. You are listening to other people, not just trying to think of what to say next, or how to end an argument. You’re always interested in hearing about how people’s minds work and that means you can learn how to be more emotionally well-rounded.
  3. Creative date nights are your forte. This is another reason people are attracted to your mind and spirit. You know exactly what makes people tick, and how to appeal to them. There’s not Netflix and Chill basic-ness here – you’re all over it.
  4. You pay attention. When people mention things that they’re interested in off-handedly, you tuck that away in your mind and employ an elaborate date night idea. It makes people feel wanted and known – that’s how you know you’re intuitive and emotionally attractive.
  5. You love “just because” gifts. Why wait for a special occasion or anniversary when you’re feeling generous? It’s the moments when you walk by the shop and get some Nutella or cookies, or some daisies from the fancy driveway on your return home from work. These aren’t flashy or expensive gifts, but just gestures that show you’re thinking about your partner. That’s emotional maturity at its clearest.
  6. You de-emphasize physical relationships. Lots of people feel huge amounts of pressure to perform and constantly keep the flame alive in physical relationships. The value of emotional relationships is that it doesn’t matter if you’re having a bad hair day or you need a shower. You’re emotionally aware if you want to explore intimacy beyond sex.
  7. You’re good at imagining the future. Lots of people are commitment-phobes, but emotionally-astute people are attractive because they are open-minded. People can project themselves into the future with you, and because you’re emotionally mature in the present day, in people’s minds, you’re the finished product, not an immature boy. It’s like a relationship accelerator.
Hannah has a Masters degree in Romantic and Victorian literature in Scotland and spends her spare time writing anything from essays to short fiction about the life and times of the frogs in her local pond! She loves musical theatre, football, anything with potatoes, and remains a firm believer that most of the problems in this world can be solved by dancing around the kitchen to ABBA. You can find her on Instagram at @_hannahvic.