Emotional Cheating Vs. Friendship: 14 Important Differences

We can all agree that sleeping with someone else when you’re in a relationship is considered cheating, but the realm of emotional infidelity is where things get muddy. This is essentially being emotionally intimate with someone who is not your partner without having a physical affair. Having a full-on affair is deliberate, but some people don’t even realize their actions count as emotional cheating. It’s good to maintain healthy relationships with your friends when dating someone, but how close is too close? Here are some important differences between emotional cheating and friendship.

  1. Openness If you’re only friends, you have no problem speaking to your partner about what you do together and talk about. You don’t need to reveal your friend’s deepest darkest secrets, but you don’t hide or downplay what you get up to together either. So, hiding how often you text each other or being vague about your plans because you know your partner wouldn’t be comfortable may be emotional cheating.
  2. Feeling unfulfilled Cheating often happens if someone feels their needs aren’t being met in a relationship. This doesn’t excuse it by any means. Seeking out emotional intimacy with another person because you feel distant from your partner is emotional cheating. It’s easy to understand the need to fill a void, but any form of cheating just makes the relationship worse or kills it.
  3. Bonding Generally, emotional cheating occurs with new friends or co-workers, so the fact that you’ve known your best friend decades longer than your boyfriend isn’t a bad thing. Of course, you’re going to have a deep bond with your best friend. However, if you feel considerably closer to the other person than you do with your partner, then there could be some emotional cheating going on.
  4. How much you confide There’s nothing wrong with girl talk, there might be some old secrets only your best friend knows, or your partner isn’t interested in certain topics, so you discuss them with your friends instead. But telling your friend important secrets and major life events or decisions and not your partner is concerning, especially if you used to always confide in your partner, but now you tell the other person absolutely everything.
  5. Making comparisons To be blunt, it doesn’t make much sense to be comparing your partner to one of your friends because you probably shouldn’t be thinking much about what it would be like if you were with them instead. So, bringing up all the things your friend would do instead during an argument is an indicator of emotional cheating.
  6. How often they’re on your mind Friends are important, but they’re not really people you struggle to get out of your mind like you would with a crush. So, if you can’t concentrate on anything because all you can think about is what you do together or wonder what they’re up to, you might be in too deep.
  7. How often you talk about them It’s normal to bring up friends in a conversation when talking about your life since they’re a big part of it. Maybe people are talking about their school days, and you try to relate to them by sharing a story involving your best friend. But, constantly swinging the conversation around to discuss your friend when it’s not actually relevant is a sign that you might have deeper feelings than you realize.
  1. Having daydreams You typically wouldn’t have elaborate fantasies about having a life with someone you only consider a friend, but with an emotional affair, there’s a part of you who believes you’d be together in another life and wants to live that out in your imagination. Sure, you might get an odd intrusive thought about a friend every now and then, but imagining a whole new life together in your head is another thing altogether.
  2. Yearning It’s normal to miss your friends if you haven’t seen them recently, but there’s a line. Feeling a deep sense of yearning all the time is much deeper than friendship.
  3. Balancing time Some people completely neglect their friends every time they get into a relationship which isn’t okay. So, balancing your time is a good thing. However, spending so much time with a friend that your partner is actually the one feeling neglected could be a sign of emotional cheating.
  4. Accountability When people get defensive, it’s sometimes because, on some level, they know what they’re doing is wrong. So, if you fly off the handle when your partner asks about your friendship, take a look at the situation critically. Your partner asking a question or trying to set a boundary shouldn’t feel like an attack.
  5. Support There’s nothing wrong with giving your friends a hand if they need help with something, but dropping everything to rush to your friend’s side for anything and everything is a red flag. If you go out of your way and their needs take urgency over all else, take a moment to examine why they get that level of devotion from you – especially if you’re more nonchalant when your partner needs you.
  6. Priorities Yes, your friends were probably there before you got into a relationship and will probably be there afterward. You shouldn’t sacrifice your support system while you’re dating someone because you’ll have no one left if you break up. Plus, it’s important to have a life and identity outside your partner. But, it’s pretty odd if your friend is suggesting you should actually value them more than your partner – especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and want a life together (despite having some relationship problems). Even if you’ve known that friend longer than your partner, your partner is also a big part of your life and deserves respect and attention, too, so not only is this a sign of emotional cheating, but it’s time to set some boundaries with your friend.
  7. Needing approval When you meet a new friend, it’s normal to feel a little nervous because you want them to like you. But a tell-tale sign of emotional cheating is wanting to dress up and look nice for a friend. With normal friendships, you’re not overly concerned with what you look like – rather, you just hope they also enjoy your company.
Aisling is a 20-something year old Irish writer who is the life and relationship guru of her social circle. She loves music, movies, and coffee.
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