My Emotionally Abusive Relationship Left Me Broken

If you continue to look for the best in bad people who hurt you day after day, you could end up in an emotionally abusive relationship and not even realize it. I spent three years in one and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same.

1. There was so much to love about him. He was handsome and charming. He lit up every room he walked into with his confidence and effortless wit. I just loved being on his arm and would look up to him with puppy dog eyes wherever we went. Just typing those words makes me realize just how pathetic that was from the beginning.
2. I brushed off his hurtful, overly critical behavior. He had a habit of insulting me in a way that felt sort of endearing. Like, “Aw, baby you’re so dumb–I love you,” said behind a sparkling white smile and sealed with a kiss. He criticized my outfits, whether they were too revealing when I went out with friends or too covered up when I was at home with him. I yearned for my sweatpants after a long day but was never able to slip them on. He expected me to wear sexy lingerie at home, so I did.
3. My friends and family saw right through him but I defended him until the very end. He constantly spoke over me. At first, I thought it was sweet that he would order for me at restaurants or answer questions for me. One of my best friends finally got the nerve to tell me that it bothered her to see the strong, outgoing woman she loved become a meek, reserved church mouse. I got extremely defensive and it nearly ruined my friendship with her.
4. I covered up his mistakes and shortcomings. I’ll never forget the moment when my parents were helping us move in and he dropped a hammer on our brand-new Carrara marble sink, shattering it. My dad rushed in after hearing the crash and I told him it was my fault. I didn’t want them to think my boyfriend was capable of doing anything wrong. While it seemed harmless at the time, I started to realize just how much I was covering up for him. From flirting with other women to aggressive behavior behind closed doors, I painted a pristine picture of him to my friends and family. They weren’t buying it.
5. I walked on eggshells to stay on his good side. I always felt like a disappointment to him. I wasn’t smart enough, motivated enough, pretty enough or talented enough to be with him. I was more reserved than normal in fear of misspeaking or saying something that he would consider “dumb.”
6. He never praised my accomplishments or showed admiration for my strengths. If I got a promotion at work, he’d brush it off and coldly respond with something rude and dismissive like, “Finally!” He didn’t compliment my drive or work ethic. If I took a moment to brag, he’d interrupt me with his own achievements. I was never good enough.
7. I felt like I owed it to him to be good in bed. When it was that time of the month, I was embarrassed and I made sure I found other ways to please him. If I was exhausted at the end of the day or had a painful migraine, I felt like it was my job to suck it up and throw on my sexiest lingerie to seduce him.
8. I’m pretty sure he is the king of gaslighting tactics. Gaslighting is defined as a form of emotional abuse in which your partner leads you to mistrust your own interpretations of reality. If I was feeling off or depressed (likely because he made me feel like a total failure), he would claim that I was overly sensitive or overreacting. The worst part is, I started to believe him.
9. With the help of friends, I finally snapped out of it–but the aftermath was devastating. After three years in an emotionally abusing relationship, I felt numb. I’d become a completely different person and couldn’t pull myself out of it. My best friends, who never gave up on me, helped me regain enough confidence to see that I deserved better. Emotional abuse is a slow build. Oftentimes it’s so slow you don’t realize the cumulative effect it has on your well-being. I am now in a happy relationship with a supportive man, but I still have insecurities resonating from the way my ex treated me. Slowly but surely, I’m finding that confident woman I know is still inside me.
10. It’s important to get help if you feel like you’re in over your head. If you or someone you know feels trapped in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical) contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY). You are certainly not alone and you deserve a happy, healthy relationship.