When all my girlfriends got engaged, it wasn’t long before I heard the big news and saw it all over their social media accounts. They wanted everyone to know and that was great, but that’s not me. I recently got engaged myself, diamond ring and all, but I’m not telling anyone for now. Here’s why I’m staying mum.
- I hate being the center of attention. I’m an introvert, so putting myself in the spotlight is not something I’m inclined to do and the very thought of it makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t like birthday parties for the same reason. If I announce my engagement, I’m basically walking onto a brightly lit stage and letting everyone gawk at me. That’s what attention feels like to me—yes, even positive attention.
- I have a strained relationship with my parents. It used to be that my mom, dad, and I pretended to get along and everything was OK, but now it’s become clear that’s just not the case. To be honest, I’m completely fine with that, but there’s a lot of pressure to tell your parents about major life milestones even if you’re not close because, well, they’re your parents. That may be true, but that’s still not enough reason for me to share something so intimate and important. We don’t even talk about the weather, so why would I talk about my wedding?
- Being engaged is great but it’s not enough for some people. The thing is, the moment you tell your friends and family that you’re engaged, it’s hugs, kisses, and congratulations… immediately followed by, “So, when’s the wedding? What kind of wedding do you want? And the dress? Colors? Venue?” It all comes flying at you and being engaged is suddenly just an inconsequential precursor to the actual exciting bit. Why can’t we just be happy about the engagement? Isn’t that a big enough step already? For me, it certainly is. I just want to be a fiancee for now.
- I don’t like talking about wedding plans. I don’t want to discuss my wedding because I won’t be having one. I’ve never, ever imagined myself walking down an aisle (too much attention) or wearing a white dress (too conformist for me). I know that not everyone is into my non-traditionalist approach to holy matrimony and they’d be offended to know I won’t be having a traditional ceremony, so I’d rather not ruffle feathers.
- I’m afraid I’ll jinx it. I’ve seen cool women turn into bonafide Bridezillas. I’ve seen what should be an exciting husband-and-wife event turn into a stressful, messy affair. I just don’t want that to happen to me. I know that I’m easily stressed out, that I’m a perfectionist and that I place way too much value on what other people think of me. I’d rather just stay centered and not invite unsolicited advice, opinions, and judgment into this special time.
- I’m actually a private person. I think you can guess by now that I’m a private person and I like to treasure things alone, quietly. I like to relish in a moment without breaking it by speaking about it to other people. Somehow, I feel like words ruin things. Obviously I’ll tell the people I’m close to eventually, but I’m really not in any rush.
- Countdowns are letdowns. This is probably another block I need to work through, but it happens time and time again that if I make a big deal out of the buildup to something, I don’t feel the anticipated happiness when it actually happens. Instead, I almost always feel let down and I absolutely hate it. When my sister had her baby girl, the one we waited eagerly for nine months, I felt depressed even though I was glad for her. When my birthday arrives, I want to cry. When we finally take that weekend getaway we’d been planning for months, I feel sad. I’d rather just keep things business as usual, allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling, and not be expected to feel any one emotion.
- I don’t want or need to be compared to anyone else. I don’t want to hear how you and your boyfriend got engaged. I don’t care if he got down on one knee or how many carats the diamond ring you’re wearing has in it. I’m not interested in comparing my engagement story to anyone else’s, but there are some women in my circle who would jump at the occasion to make it into a competition. To be honest, I don’t want to share intimate details just so I can one-up another woman.
- You can’t just share your engagement with the people you like. People have a serious sense of entitlement when it comes to other people’s personal lives. They believe that you owe them your private business, but I don’t think you do. I’d like to share my engagement with a handful of close friends and family—and yes, that means keeping the news from others. It’s not because I don’t want to be engaged, it’s because I don’t want to share it with them. Unfortunately, word tends to travel at light speed when you least want it to, so I’m screwed either way.
- I don’t want to be someone’s reality show. This is definitely not true of everyone, but there are some people who live very unfulfilled lives—especially our parents and their generation, who don’t know what to do with themselves once their children have flown the coop. They depend on you to give them some juicy gossip, to have something to obsess over or something to judge and condemn. I just feel like these people have already had (at least) one wedding, and my marriage isn’t for them. It’s for me and I’m keeping it that way for now.