Even If I Have Kids One Day, I’ll Never Be A Stay-At-Home Mom

It’s awesome that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t the only option for women, but many still go down that road. Good for them — it’s just not for me. Here’s why even if I have kids one day, I’ll never be a stay-at-home mom:

My career totally defines me. 

As a writer, my job isn’t just a way to make money (although that definitely helps) — my job is who I am. Deciding to have a baby would never change that, and I would absolutely be a working mother. I totally get that you lose your sense of self a bit when you have a kid; that’s kind of inevitable. I just don’t want to lose myself so much that I don’t even recognize myself.

I would never want to rely on a guy. 

Since I’m still single, I have no idea if I’ll ever have kids someday, whether with a husband or just a serious partner. But let’s say I’m coupled up and expecting a baby. I would never stay home with my kid because it would mean being totally helpless. I would have to ask my partner for money all the time, and would be the opposite of the strong and independent woman that I’ve worked to be.

It creates an imbalance of power and respect. 

No judgment here (really), but I’ve seen too many women rely on their husbands for money and basically everything else. I want to make my own money and be an equal partner. I never want my boyfriend or husband to think that just because he brings home the cash, that means that he can make all the important decisions and be the boss of me. Yeah right.

I don’t love kids enough to be with them 24/7. 

I’m a fan of kids, and I probably want them someday. I just don’t adore them enough to want to devote my entire world to them… and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I would lose my mind if I only cared about baby food and diapers and didn’t use my brain for anything work-related.

Society has moved way past that. 

These days, it’s just as common to find a dad who stays at home 24/7 or freelances so he can be in charge of most of the household duties. Parents come in all shapes and sizes. From adoption to surrogacy to freezing your eggs, from being a single mom to having a child with your common-law partner, there are so many ways to have a family in 2017. Why would I be something as archaic as a stay-at-home mother?

Having one identity isn’t healthy. 

Sure, I’m a writer, but I’m also a friend, a daughter, a pop culture addict, and somewhat of a health freak. Just being one thing isn’t the healthiest thing in the world. I don’t want to define myself in one way, so why would I want to be only a mom?

I want to be a good role model. 

Sometimes I think about the following cycle and it kind of freaks me out: A stay-at-home mom devotes her life to her daughters. She does everything for them and they’re her entire world. Then they grow up… and do the same thing? Probably not. She wants them to have jobs. Isn’t there something wrong with that warped picture? If I had daughters, I wouldn’t want to raise them to only be mothers. I would want them to have successful careers and do whatever they want.

It feels like ignoring the progress feminism has made. 

I’m proud of the steps that women have taken and the many opportunities that are available today. Why would I go backward? I don’t think it’s anti-feminist to be a stay-at-home mom, but I prefer to take advantage of all the advancements women have made in the past few decades by continuing my career path.

I truly believe having it all is possible. 

There’s a saying that you can have it all, just not all at once, and there’s definitely some wisdom there. I do believe in having it all, and when I see my future, I see a career, a partner and possibly a kid or two. I don’t want to delete any of those things from the picture. And thankfully, I don’t have to.

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