My Ex Was “Confused” About Whether He Wanted Me Or Another Woman & I Foolishly Stuck Around

I knew that my ex had a female friend that he regularly hung out with, but I never imagined he’d actually want to be with her romantically—that is until he suddenly told me he was “confused” about us. WTF?

  1. He’d suddenly started hanging out with her more regularly. He’d met her at school and they were good friends. I didn’t think it was bad for him to have female friends. In fact, I encouraged it. But when he started seeing her more and more regularly, I started to wonder what was going on and if there was any reason for me to be worried.
  2. Instead of being paranoid, I talked to him directly about it. No need to beat around the bush, right? I just wanted to know what was going on. We’d been dating for six months and were comfortable enough with each other to ask each other anything. I didn’t realize that would be more of a curse than a blessing, unfortunately.
  3. He insisted he hadn’t cheated but did admit he had something to tell me. Great, now what was going on? He told me that he’d started having a bit of a crush on his friend and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. Um, what did he want me to do about it? He was a tad confused about how to proceed but didn’t want to break up. WTF? That conversation left me more confused than he was. Instead of doing anything, I just spent lots of hours analyzing his words and making myself stressed AF.
  4. He stopped being a boyfriend. During this “confused” time of his, which looking back was probably just his way to have both women pining for him, he didn’t see me much. He contacted me every now and then and made me believe that he was still interested in me, but I knew he was just as interested in his friend. It was like we were taking a relationship break even though we hadn’t meant to be (and I’d never agreed to it). I was left hanging, waiting on him to make up his mind.
  5. I’ve never felt more stressed and anxious. I waited and waited… and stressed. Ugh. I took his calls and replied to his texts. As far as I was concerned, we were still in a relationship. I prayed that he’d choose me, and then realized how stupid that was. I shouldn’t have to beg someone to be with me. He shouldn’t be using the lame excuse of being confused. The guy was just a jerk!
  6. He wanted back in. After two weeks of this BS, he came back and told me that he’d made a decision. The way he said it, it was like he expected me to throw my arms around him and drool all over him excitedly like a dog. I hung back and listened to his case. He said that he’d been confused by the feelings he had for me and the other woman, but he wanted to choose me.
  7. Wow, don’t do me any favors, a-hole. I couldn’t help it, I was feeling really angry about this whole situation, yet part of me was glad that he’d chosen me. I still loved the guy and wanted to date him. I know, I know… but hindsight is 20/20.
  8. I took him back against my better judgment. I tried to tell myself that crushes could happen in relationships and that there was inevitably going to be a time when one or both partners were tempted by someone on the outside but it was nothing serious. The point was not that it had happened but that my boyfriend had dealt with it and come back to our relationship, right?
  9. Admittedly, things weren’t quite the same as they were before. The thing is, I found myself trusting him less. I do believe that he didn’t have an affair with his friend, but the fact that he had feelings for her had unnerved me more than I’d realized. What if his feelings weren’t gone? What if they were gone and then he changed his mind about being with me?
  10. The damage was done. My real problem wasn’t that something bad could happen in the future like my boyfriend telling me he was leaving me for someone else. The real problem was that the damage had already been done to us. This hadn’t been a harmless crush. If that had been the case, then he wouldn’t have been so rattled by his feelings. I didn’t know if I could be with someone who had feelings for someone else.
  11. He wasn’t supposed to be confused about me. Even if I could make peace with him having feelings for another woman and dealing with them, I just couldn’t get over the fact that he’d ever felt less than 100% certain about me. Hello, I was his girlfriend! Were his feelings for me so unpredictable and uncertain that they could change and make him have to decide to be with me? Screw that! I want someone who knows they want me without any hesitation or relationship breaks, and definitely without having to think about it for two weeks. I can do so much better.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.