You’re alone on a Friday night and hear an Adele song that reminds you of your ex. Before you know it, you’re checking him out on Facebook and wishing you could be back in his life. Maybe if you just sent him a casual text to say hi… No! Drop the phone and remember these 11 things:
- A breakup doesn’t just happen. It’s easy to forget what caused your breakup, but someone initiated it or did something wrong. Even if was mutual, there were reasons why you had to go your separate ways. Write out those reasons and remember them — write them on a Post-It and stick it on your fridge or forehead if you have to — so you don’t fall into the trap of thinking you should go back to a relationship that’s broken AF.
- Time apart is a myth. You might think the time apart from each other after a breakup is great because it means you can return to each other wiser, stronger and more mature. Screw that. People who are really in love will stay with each other. They don’t need time apart from each other. You walked away because you weren’t right for each other. Fact!
- It’s a relationship, not a train station. You can’t just let your ex waltz back into your life. He walked out and you closed the door behind him, then bolted it in three places. Log into your Gmail and pull up all the messages you exchanged with your bestie about how much you wanted to kick his ass when he hurt you at the time. Yeah, see what he did there? See how you don’t need that BS in your life?
- It’s easy to forget the bad times. There’s something about time. It dulls pain, but it also tends to heighten nostalgia for the good times. If you’re currently going through tough times in your life or you’re lonely AF, that’s the perfect state for nostalgia to take the stage and fool you into thinking that your ex wasn’t so bad even though he was.
- Missing someone messes with your head. When you miss someone, you might start to remember them differently, but stick to the truth of what happened and ask other people to remind you if you’re battling to keep a steady head. And for the love of everything good in the world, log off Facebook so you stop checking out his profile, where it seems like he’s the perfect guy. You know firsthand that he’s far from it.
- The love is gone. You got over him, or maybe you didn’t completely. Either way, there was love lacking that caused you to break up. You can’t go back to the relationship and expect love to conquer all. Stop watching all those silly romcoms. Love yourself enough to accept that things are over.
- It was a good thing. You had a traumatic breakup after losing a great guy and now I’m saying it’s a good thing? Hear me out. If he was meant to be with you and help you grow, he’d still be in your life — he’s not because you have other places to be. The relationship ended so you could get out there and have other experiences. It might not feel like it’s such a great thing now, but one day you’ll realize it worked out in the best way.
- You might think, “But there’s no one else.” If your ex is a better prospect than the jerks that are all over dating apps, you might think that it’s a sign he’s meant to be with you, but you’re speaking from a place of being alone here. It’s like saying, “He’s the best I could do” or, “He’s really the only option I have” — both of which are total BS.
- People don’t really change. He might rock up on your doorstep and be a changed man. He might’ve grown, matured and finally learned how to put the toilet seat down. People don’t really change all that much. Stop thinking of what could’ve been because it’s just going to disappoint you when you realize that he’s still the same old guy, just a bit older and with more facial hair.
- You’ve grown from the experience. When you go through a traumatic breakup, you crawl through the fire and come out the other side, stronger and wiser. Why would you want to give that away by wasting time thinking about your ex? He’s what was and what you overcame. You’ve come so far and grown too much to go back to him.
- Don’t stand in your own way. If you’re thinking about what was and what could have been, you’re resisting opportunities in favor of the comfort zone of the past. It can feel comforting to replay memories and think about the good times, but it’s actually a false sense of security because what was doesn’t exist anymore — what exists is your bright future that’s too amazing to accommodate your lousy ex. It might not look bright now but that’s just because it’s waiting for you to singlehandedly create it.