My Ex & I Are Super Close And It’s Keeping Us Single

Our romantic relationship sucked, but now my ex and I are really good friends and I couldn’t be happier. However, it doesn’t leave much room for dating or finding a new relationship for either of us…

  1. We’re always there for each other. I know my ex always has my back and I’m always ready to help him out too. We were a team when we were dating (well, most of the time) and now that we’re friends again, we’ve fallen into the same sort of deal. I know that if there’s anything I need, he’ll help me, which is great, but it means I no longer expect the guys I date to walk into that role. Sometimes I just find myself dating quite selfish guys because I know I have someone else to count on if I need anything.
  2. We spend a lot of our free time together. We love each other’s company, which means we hang out quite a lot. It beats the hell out of bad Tinder dates, but it means I have less time to actually look for dates or spend time with guys I’ve just met.
  3. People assume we’re a couple. Nobody’s going to hit on me when I’m out with a guy because they just assume he’s with me. We’re obviously very comfortable around each other because we used to date. Strangers just think we’re a couple that’s not into PDA and stay away, for better or worse.
  4. We’ve maintained a solid level of intimacy without the sex. Apart from making out or sleeping with each other, we do pretty much everything the way we did when we were together. We watch movies on the couch, we go on dinner dates, we even crash in each other’s beds sometimes. It’s like what I imagine a relationship looks like when you’re really old.
  5. He’s my go-to guy. Whenever I need company, I call him first. I know exactly what I’m getting and I know I’m going to have a fun time. The only time I don’t call him is when I want to hook up, but the upshot of this is that I end up looking for casual sex because I have practically everything else already.
  6. I’m not in a rush to find a relationship because I have him in my life. Loneliness and wanting to share my life with someone used to be the driving force behind me looking for a relationship, but I never really feel lonely now and I always have someone to share stuff with. I just basically stopped looking and so has he.
  7. People we go out with are put off by how much time we spend together. They assume we’re sleeping together or are going to end up sleeping together sooner or later, or they feel threatened by the level of intimacy we already have. I know it’s made people uncomfortable on more than one occasion.
  8. His girlfriends have always been intimidated by me. Since we’ve broken up, my ex has had a couple of serious relationships and both these women were really weird with me, thinking I was going to take him away and generally acting really jealous. I think they thought there’s still something between us because I was sticking around. The truth is I was really happy for him and would never do anything to knowingly undermine his relationships. I’m perfectly happy with our connection the way it is.
  9. We’ve both dumped people that had a problem with our friendship. Anyone I date should trust me enough to know I’m going to be faithful. If I say I’m not going to sleep with this guy then that’s the truth. On the other hand, this friendship is important to me and I won’t tolerate anyone telling me who I can or cannot talk to or hang out with. Some guys didn’t get that and they had to go.
  10. People keep expecting us to get back together. I’m getting fed up of people asking me if we’re dating again. We’re close, we’re friends, but that’s it. Our relationship didn’t work, but our friendship is perfect. Why would I want to change that?
  11. It’s not a real relationship but sometimes it really feels like one. What we have is like Relationship Lite. Once sex is out of the picture, it seems there’s no pressure anymore and we can just enjoy each other’s company as friends. In many ways, it’s taken the place of a real relationship because both of us can just have sex with other people when we want to without worrying about building intimacy with anyone else. It’s like some sort of weird arrangement, but it’s actually better than most relationships I’ve had.
  12. Sometimes I wonder if we should get back together and it’s making me emotionally unavailable to other guys. Of course there’s a part of me that’s tempted to see if a relationship between us would work again, but I’m really scared of screwing up what we already have. It’s definitely taking up a place in my heart that nobody else can fill, though. A part of me is always detached from whoever else I’m with because I’m constantly wondering whether I should really be with my ex. I wonder if he’s feeling the same thing?


Writer, artist, intrepid traveler and lover of cats, cheese and techno music. Preferably not all at the same time.