My Ex Told Me I Wasn’t “Wife Material” Because I Lacked These Qualities

We’d been together for about two years and I was trying to hint that I thought we should move forward in our relationship, but we ended up fighting about it. In the middle of the fight, he blurted out that I wasn’t “wife material” and then dumped me, but not before telling me exactly why he felt that way.

I partied too much. The first thing out of his mouth was, “Where am I likely to find you on a Tuesday night? At home reading? Nope. You’re at the bar with your friends.” He said the fact that I go out with my friends on weeknights in addition to the weekends made me “immature” and “irresponsible.” He felt like I was just partying and drinking too much instead of focusing on working towards my goals. Note: trying all the beers at your local brewery is apparently not an acceptable goal.

I wasn’t cleaning up enough. He said that when he thought of someone he wanted to marry, he pictured someone who would take a more traditional role in the household. When I pressed him for more, he admitted that he just wanted someone to clean the house regularly and that someone wasn’t going to be him. Since I was more likely to buy new clothes than to wash the dirty ones on the floor, that someone clearly wasn’t going to be me either.

I wasn’t “proper” enough. This sums up a bunch of random complaints he threw in about me, such as my table manners and that I didn’t formally say “thank you” enough. I wasn’t the type of girl to send thank you cards or flowers, and it was important to him that his future spouse be that type. He had a lot of people he cared about and wanted to show that he cared, he explained. He needed someone who could do those things. I didn’t bother commenting that he never did those types of things either.

I wasn’t financially responsible enough. He considered my shopping habits to be a red flag when considering whether or not he should marry me, he said, because it showed that I wasn’t thinking of saving for the future. Instead, I was just living in the moment and concentrating on myself. I wasn’t fiscally responsible enough for him, never mind the new fishing pole by the front door or the massive car payment he made every month. Me and my Target clothing will find a new place to live, I guess.

I didn’t seem the mothering type. We’d always talked about having kids, but he felt like I wasn’t responsible enough to have them. Since I was used to putting myself first, he couldn’t see me prioritizing children above myself. I attempted to point out that I’ve never had children so I wasn’t able to prioritize them above myself, but he was pretty sure he knew better. This one made me feel pretty bad since I’ve always wanted kids, but I’m still a little unsure how to be the motherly type without actually being a mother. I guess I figured I would just figure it out once I actually had children. Is that wrong?

I’m just plain not responsible enough. I’m not even sure what this means, but he threw in a lot of vague comments such as “You aren’t responsible for your actions” and “You don’t understand how your actions affect other people.” Since he wasn’t able to provide concrete examples, I’m still struggling to know what this means, but these statements seemed pretty harsh. I get that you would want your wife to be responsible for her actions, I’m just not sure how I wasn’t. Maybe he felt like I should have apologized for the things I was doing that weren’t up to his standards? I guess I’ll never know.

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