No matter how great things are going in love, I keep expecting them to go south. I can never trust the people in my life to not do something terrible that will screw me over and cause a lot of grief. To stop this from happening, I withdraw from people and/or push them away, and it’s ruining all my relationships.
My fear makes me push people away. Whenever I feel anyone starting to get too close or things getting too serious, I retreat and start behaving like an a-hole until things get really messed up. For me, it’s easier if I make them leave on my own terms because that way, it doesn’t hurt. It’s hard to deal with people caring about me. I keep thinking that if they can love me, they can grow to hate me or hurt me in some terrible way. It’s so much pressure and I can’t deal.
I’m way too jaded about people in general. I can’t help but be suspicious of people’s feelings towards me. I keep wondering why anyone would want to be with me or be friends with me without ulterior motives. I just can’t trust their affections for me no matter how many ways they try to reassure me. When I meet a new person that I like, I mentally start preparing myself for abandonment or something worse.
Insecurity is a thief. Truthfully, I have nothing to be insecure about. I’m a relatively attractive woman, I have a great personality, and my career is taking off. I’m a catch, friend and girlfriend wise, but I still can’t shake the feeling that something is missing, that there is something fundamentally unlovable about me. I run away from love because I think I don’t deserve it. Projecting all of these emotions on others isn’t exactly what keeps relationships going so eventually, I lose them.
I’m constantly looking for excuses to pull back. If something starts feeling too good to be true, I’ll start poking holes in it. Being vulnerable and putting myself out there is too scary for me to do these days, so if I get the feeling that when things go awry I’m going to be in a very bad place emotionally, I will disappear or just draw back and let things die a slow death.
I imagine the worst possible things that could happen. I’ve always been an overthinker and playing out scenarios in my head of how things could go wrong is a sad but all too common pastime. I make up stories about the hurtful things they could do to me in future and let that influence the present decision even though they’re really great and haven’t shown any signs that I might regret letting them into my life.
Being alone is a lot easier than getting hurt. My biggest fear is being left alone in a relationship. I hate having to deal with breakups, people leaving or just screwing up in spectacular ways that make it impossible for me to continue being with them. It’s difficult for me to process grief, big or small, because everything affects me deeply. I’m an extremely sensitive person so I try to avoid the heartache by simply not getting involved with people. Loneliness is easy to bear; I’m used to it. It’s the possibility of being in pain that I can’t face.
People deserve the benefit of the doubt. I know it’s not fair to people to project my baggage onto them or make it seem like they’re responsible for it. Not everyone is bad; there are so many kind and beautiful souls in the world and I deserve to have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with some of them. There’s a good chance some of those relationships might end badly, but there’s also a chance that they won’t. I’m only hurting me by not letting myself explore all the love that avails me.
I’m trying to give myself a break. I know I judge myself and others too harshly and I’m trying to change that. I deserve my own shot at happiness. I’ve got to remind myself that while it’s OK to be afraid, I can’t let fear control my life. I just have to focus on the good things, live in the moment, and let things play out on their own terms without trying to sabotage it myself.
Locking my feelings in a box can only work for so long. There’s no way to spin it— people want as much out of a relationship as they put in. I can’t keep shutting people out and expect them to stick around forever. I just need to be more honest with myself, communicate with the people I get in relationships with, and hope for the best outcome.
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