Falling For My FWB Taught Me What I Really Want From Love

Ugh. I’m a stereotype. I found a commitment-free, no strings attached hookup buddy… and then I caught feelings for him. He made it clear from the beginning that he never wanted more than sex, but I hoped he would change his mind. He didn’t, and it hurt like hell. It took me forever to move on, but it also made me realize exactly what I want in a relationship.

  1. I want more than just sex. Of course, sex is why it started in the first place and for a while it was fun and hot as hell, but commitment-free sex is a dead end road. Plus, after I started to fall for him, it just felt like I was being used. I know now there has to be a deeper connection if I want to feel fulfilled.
  2. I want to be someone’s priority. I want to come first in someone’s life — it’s a special feeling, and it’s validating. Of course, FWB guys will only text you when it’s convenient or when they’re horny. It sucks to put someone first when they can’t give you the time of day. I want to be someone’s favorite person, especially if they’re mine.
  3. I want to be able to let my guard down. The whole time we saw each other, I tried to keep a wall up and protect myself emotionally. Of course, that didn’t work, and I fell for him anyway. Next time, I don’t want to put up emotional barriers between me and someone else. What’s the point in spending so much time with someone if you aren’t being yourself?
  4. I want to celebrate birthdays and holidays together. Call me materialistic, but I want to do birthdays and holidays with the person I’m sleeping with. My FWB never text me “happy birthday,” let alone got me a present. Of course, commitment-free sex doesn’t have a birthday clause, so he wasn’t wrong. But in the future, I want to celebrate special days with someone, and I want some kind of meaningful gift exchange. Is that so wrong?
  5. I want to be open and honest. Whenever I spent time with him, it felt like I had to analyze every word I said. I didn’t want to sound like I’d developed feelings and then chase him away. It was a terrible way to live, to be honest. Next time, I want to have the kind of relationship where we can both talk freely and not worry about overstepping some kind of emotion-free boundary.
  6. I want to be monogamous. I don’t want to worry about who he’s been with besides me, and if he’s been safe with all of them. I don’t want STD tests to become a routine thing. Next time I sleep with someone, I’ll wait until we’re exclusive.
  7. I want the possibility of a future. I’m not saying I want to marry every guy I date, but I also don’t want to date someone where a bunch of doors are closed from the beginning. I’m all about having options, and being open to the possibility of a future together. Falling for someone and knowing there’s no future there… well, that just really hurts.
Amy Victoria is a writer who lives in Florida. You can usually find her drinking Diet Coke and obsessing over fictional relationships.