I haven’t let myself have real feelings for a guy in ages—that is, up until recently when I met one who became a real game changer for me. The problem is, now that I’m falling for him, I have no idea how to act like a normal human being.
I feel completely insane. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to really understand the saying “crazy in love.” Having that bubbly feeling in my chest and that constant heart eyes vibe has me feeling as though I should be strapped to a gurney in a straight jacket in a locked cell with a missing key. It’s not possible to like someone this much and not be out of my mind.
I don’t want to ruin it by acting like a weirdo. Since I do have trouble letting people in because I tend to avoid feelings at all costs, I’m afraid that the whole thing is going to freak him out. I’m not screaming “I love you” from the rooftops or anything, but I kind of want to because it’s such a rush, and that’s just not normal.
I feel entirely out of my element. I’m the type of person that likes to have control over every aspect of life, even though that’s damn near impossible. I like the challenge, but when it comes to developing these feelings for this unicorn of a guy, I’m so far from being in control it’s actually terrifying. Day by day he gets more power—power that he could one day use to destroy me—and I’m not entirely comfortable with that.
Feelings are hard to have. I love my family and friends of course, and those are types of feelings, but the whole romantic, ’til-death-do-us-part type of love is so much more intense than anything else. It’s sort of like being euphorically happy at the same as having an elephant stomp on your chest.
The more excited I get, the more scared I am. Every time I shut my irrational fears up and let myself get excited for once, it’s like they show back up tenfold. I don’t understand why I can’t just go with the flow and be happy about it. I feel everything so deeply and my feelings for this guy are no different—and I know that once that happens, I’m screwed. So basically, I’m already screwed.
Am I supposed to text him every day? Or do I continue living my life as I normally would and just fit him in. I know that relationships come with all sorts of changes to one’s life and I really don’t mind making those changes for this guy. Hell, I want to text and talk to him every day, and that’s a big deal for me because I haven’t met anyone worth changing a damn thing for in what feels like forever. But what if he doesn’t want to make the same changes?
I literally can’t stop thinking about it. My mind has been completely overrun with thoughts of where it’s going to go and how it’s going to end up. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like I’m alone in the obsession because he’s been pretty vocal about his feelings for me too, but he’s also been vocal about his fears. So basically we’re both just freaking out about feeling this for one another.
It’s like Russian roulette but instead of a gun, it’s love. It’s like we’re both just pulling the trigger hoping to hear a click instead of a bang. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at once and I honestly don’t know how to deal with such strong emotions. I’ve been coasting for so long on feeling not much for any romantic interest that when it comes to actually falling in love, it resembles getting shot in the face. There’s something seriously wrong with that.
I can’t tell if it’s normal or I’m being overzealous. The feelings I have for this guy are intense and I haven’t exactly been quiet about them. This really begs the question as to whether or not I’ve already freaked him out with my over-enthusiastic ways or if this is just how it is when two people have a real, solid connection. It’s not hard to tell the difference, so I know for sure we have something, but I also know that it’s not good dating etiquette to get wrapped up too fast.
I feel like a hypocrite. Whenever my friends would tell me about their love with their partner or a new love interest, I used to joke about how gross they, and their love, were. After all, I wasn’t used to having those feelings for myself so I couldn’t quite understand it at all. Now that I’m feeling it, I want to be as gushy and sappy as they were and that just makes me feel like I was a fraud the whole time and was actually, dare I say, jealous.
This is the real thing—I know it without a shred of doubt. But a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me to slow down and realize what I’m doing. The last time I loved, it nearly destroyed me and I can’t—allow that to happen again. I have no doubt in my mind that this guy is truly as amazing as he’s been appearing to be thus far, so now all I have to do is make sure I get a handle on these crazy feelings so that we can be all eternally in love.
I feel like I’m breaking all the rules. With dating comes certain rules and I’ve broken damn near every single one of them. Usually I’m pretty good at playing it cool, not feeling too much too fast, and keeping my options open but now I just think I was so good at it all because I never actually had any feelings for someone. I don’t know how to go about dating this guy, because I have actually fallen for him.
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