We’ve all seen the rom-coms: the lead guy is a complete idiot, realizes he’s made a mistake and lost the perfect woman and so he makes some grand gesture to get her back. It rarely happens that way in real life, but it happened to me. He ghosted me and came crawling back, complete with the grand gesture and makeup sex to boot. We’re still together and I finally have everything I have ever wanted but I am terrified it will all go away. Here’s why:
- It’s hard to let my guard down. Being ghosted before was a piece of cake. We were barely dating and I hadn’t invested in the relationship that much. Now I’m completely invested, which means the stakes are so much higher, which makes it even scarier. Will he do it again? That question crosses my mind daily.
- I question everything he does. Yes, almost all girls do this, but I do it to an extreme. I question his motives when all he’s trying to do is take care of me and give me what I deserve. I start to think about the bad things he could do to me instead of thinking about all the good things he will do and has done for me. My mind starts racing and I let my fear talk me out of having the relationship I deserve because it feels easier to assume he’s going to screw me over.
- Has he really changed? Our relationship is better than ever. From the outside, people would never guess that he would be the kind to ghost anyone. He’s attentive, loving, owns his mistakes, lives up to his word — the complete yet imperfect package, which is what I want, but I can’t allow myself to enjoy it. Yes, I know that I deserve this — a man who values me as his partner — but I subconsciously keep finding a reason I don’t deserve him. My mind is getting in the way of what my heart feels.
- I’m stopping myself from falling in love. I’m falling in love with him. I keep picturing Amy Schumer in “Trainwreck” — the scene where she starts crying to her sister asking why her heart is racing and she realizes she’s falling in love and is terrified of things going wrong. I want to say “I love you” but I don’t want to scare him away. I was open and honest with my feelings before and he left. What will he do if I say those three words? Change his number? Move to another country?! Or maybe it’s possible he might be thinking the same thing?
- He’s capable of hurting me again. People are capable of change. However, the same habits can always resurface. Is he a completely changed person? No. He’s still the same person I fell for before he ghosted me — charming, loving, funny. He’s different because he realized that I was worth changing for. I’m just worried that one day he’ll change his mind on a whim and one day I won’t be enough.
- I know what life is like without him. I’ve grieved our relationship once and moved on. I know I can survive without him, yes, but even when we were apart I couldn’t get him out of my head. I knew our story wasn’t over. Now, I finally have what I wanted and I’m scared I will have to go back to life where he doesn’t exist.
- I’m completely vulnerable. It takes a lot to forgive someone. It takes a whole lot more to forgive someone when my heart is involved. Yes, I’m in control. I’m the one that took him back, but in a lot of ways I’m more vulnerable now than ever before. There’s no turning back. That’s what forgiveness is — letting go and letting someone in again. My heart is more exposed and I’m trying so hard not to run away out of fear. Why? Because he’s worth it.