Whenever I Feel Too Damaged to Love, I Remind Myself Of These 10 Things

­­It’s sucks when you genuinely dread being a party of one but are convinced your crap scares people away. Unwanted single life can breed massive insecurities. Everyone around you seems happily taken and it’s hard not to wonder why you’re left out. Here are 9 things I tell myself when I start a mental pity party and disqualify myself from a good relationship.

  1. I can’t be the only one. It can be so easy to generalize when you feel different from others. But really, with all the past generations in the entirety of time, and current billions of people on Earth, how is anything in my life unique? We’re not all cookie-cutter molds and comparison leads to false assumptions. Especially in the digital age where people constantly fake cyber-perfect lives. Nothing about me should be a complete shocker to anyone.
  2. Real love is understanding. Spending the rest of your life with one person shouldn’t be taken casually. If you’re going to find someone who truly loves you, they need to know exactly who you are. If you can’t be your authentic self around someone, then the connection is faulty somewhere. You should be able to be known by your partner and still be accepted for who you are. Otherwise, it’s just a conditional exchange. That, or the communication between you two needs work so you can feel comfortable to openly share and discuss your self-perceived deal-breakers.
  3. When it’s the right person, it will click. Having doubts about being lovable is only a consequence of not being properly cared for in the past. Past breakups and rejection plant the seeds for future uncertainty. But when you meet “The One,” he shouldn’t be able to get enough of you. Your former transgressions won’t be held against you but rather soaked in as ways to learn more about you. There will be a focus on enjoying the present and looking forward to a future together.
  4. Life constantly changes. Nothing ever stays the same. So why would I stay stuck in a negative thought pattern about my dating life? Even if I was ever in a bad place previously or am currently not shining in life, who knows what tomorrow will bring. My glow up might around the corner and I may well be living my best life that I could never imagine before. Regardless of the struggles I came from, meeting a guy during my winning season may be perfect timing for relationship success. I can’t make permanent predictions based on today.
  5. There’s someone for everyone. They say when you meet the male version of yourself you have found the love of your life. So how can I write myself off when there’s someone just like me? I clearly just haven’t met him yet and it seems like everyone really does have a person. However bad I might be, there’s definitely worse out there and some, if not most, are coupled up. There’s gotta be inspiration in that—we all stand a chance.
  6. I’m my toughest critic. Who’s to say I’m even “damaged” at all? Isn’t that conclusion just the product of a self-assessment of my worthiness? While I’m busy zoning in on all my flaws, my match might see something else entirely. I need to trust him to admire my beauty instead of questioning my scars. In his eyes, my good could outweigh any bad.
  7. Complexity isn’t automatically negative. I have a past—so what? That just means I’ve had a lot of life experiences and more stories to tell. It would only be a problem if I was still stuck making bad decisions and repeating unhealthy patterns. Otherwise, I just have wisdom and extra layers to who I am. I’ve kept life interesting. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.
  8. He might help me heal. It can’t help the situation to go through hard knocks in life and then get constantly rejected on top of that. Expecting a knight in shining armor to fix your life for you is totally unrealistic. But it’s not wrong to hope that when you find that guy who complements you that your faith in love and goodness is restored. Finally meeting that ideal man might be what you need to get a little pep back in your step and be able to let go of the crap that weighed you down before. You should both take a little burden off of each other’s shoulders.
  9. It’s time to fake it ’til I make it. Just because my baggage isn’t a turn-off, doesn’t mean thinking it is isn’t. The whole time I’m sitting here obsessing over not be likable, the real reason I’m single could just be that I’m projecting my nerves onto the guys who are interested. At least pretending I think highly of my value and am confident putting myself out there could be the game changer I need.
I’m Cara, not to be confused with Carrie, although you could say I’m a Millennial Bradshaw of sorts. Pop culture connoisseur. Lover of all things creative and passionate about health and personal well-being. Follow me on IG @cara_vale_writer