I Fell In Love With My FWB — This Is How I’m Dealing

I never thought this would happen, but here I am, in love with my hookup buddy. We both agreed to keep it casual in the beginning and I was okay with it, so where are all of these mushy feelings coming from? Now that I see him as more than a casual fling, these mushy feelings are getting in the way and I’m starting to lose my cool about it.

  1. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore. I feel like a bumbling fool every time I try to talk to him about something. We used to be just friends and while we technically still are, it certainly doesn’t feel like we’re JUST that in my mind. I kinda get nervous when he asks me questions and am WAY more aware of what he thinks of me. It’s supposed to be casual, so I shouldn’t care… but I do.
  2. I constantly look for clues that he likes me back. He didn’t hint that he had stuff to do after our weekly romp this time. Does that mean he wants me to stay and watch TV with him? Does he actually like my company? All of these thoughts and more are going through my mind the second he shows a little bit of affection towards me. He’s told me straight up that he’s only looking for something casual, but the way he treats me sometimes tells me otherwise… or so I can only hope.
  3. I’ve stopped reaching out to him. I’m no longer the one to send the first text or to initiate a conversation. If he wants to see me, he can let me know. I just don’t want to freak him out by being too forward. What if he suspects that I’m in love with him and then stops contacting me altogether? I’m trying to play it cool, but it will only last so long until I burst with emotion all over him.
  4. I’ve been trying to date other guys to get him out of my mind. My first instinct after I realized I was falling in love with my hookup buddy was to immediately hookup with someone else. Maybe if I date other guys, I’ll totally forget about him, right? Seems plausible and it worked for a bit, but I found myself fantasizing about him even while I was with my date. It looks like it’s gonna take a lot more than a distraction to get this guy out of my mind.
  5. I freak out inside if he mentions the name of another girl. Technically this relationship is supposed to be casual but I can’t help but cringe whenever he mentions the name of another girl. I instantly get overly suspicious that he likes her more than me, even if it’s just a friend who he isn’t even banging. I can feel myself starting to get territorial of him and it’s not good, but the thought that some girl could take him away from me is stressful AF.
  6. I don’t stick around for pillow talk. It’s too painful. I don’t want to know about his family or friends or whether or not he thinks there’s an afterlife — that will only make me fall in love with him more. This is exactly why I peace out immediately. At this point, the more emotional distance there is between us, the better.
  7. I don’t talk about my dating life with him anymore. Every time he asks if I’m seeing anyone, I totally freeze up. I answer the question, of course, but I don’t want him to think that I like any of the guys I date, so I make them all seem like losers. Maybe if he hears about how terrible my dating life is, he’ll come and save me from it.
  8. I creep him on Facebook. Duh. Of course I do this — what love-sick millennial woman wouldn’t? We don’t even have any friends in common, but I’ll still click on his profile almost every day just to see if he’s dating anyone else. He said he didn’t want anything serious with me, but what if he’s getting serious with some other random chick? I just love stressing myself out, don’t I?
  9. I don’t hook up with him as often as I used to. This is my version of playing “hard to get”. I still want to keep him in my life, but I don’t want it to seem like getting with me is cheap. I’ve cut down on the amount of time we spend together and considering we only have sex when we hang out, I’m cutting it back substantially. Maybe he’ll start seeing me as girlfriend potential if he can’t get in my pants anytime he wants…
  10. I’ve thought about telling him how I feel. I considered spilling my guts and just telling him, but then I immediately stopped myself. I’m thinking, what if he likes me too? Isn’t it possible that this chemistry is felt on both sides? I mean, I feel it, so I’m sure he must feel SOMETHING. The only problem is, even if he does have feelings for me, he already said in the beginning of our arrangement that it’s strictly casual for him and I doubt he would go back on those words.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.