If You Have To Fight For Your Relationship, It’s Probably Not Meant To Be

My ex asked me if I’d fight for him and looked really shocked when I said no. It’s not that I wasn’t in love with him, I just think that “fighting for a relationship” isn’t always a good thing. Here are 13 reasons I’ll never do it and you shouldn’t either.

  1. It implies a struggle. “Fighting” makes me picture myself in a boxing ring, sweaty and bloody and struggling to win. I don’t want a relationship in which I feel like I’ve got to struggle, fight, or compete and I can’t imagine you would either. You should feel secure in the relationship and your partner should be helping me to feel that.
  2. This is not a test. It’s fine and well for a guy, like my ex, to think that you have to fight for a relationship if it means something to you, but why the hell does it need to be a fight? What, are you in some sort of test where you have to prove yourself? Hell no.
  3. You shouldn’t be pitted against another womanI’m sorry, but if my boyfriend cheats with someone else, I’m not going to fight for him and you shouldn’t either. It’s not like the other woman stole him away—he chose to leave. You should never degrade yourself by fighting her instead of him. That’s so tacky!
  4. Your sanity comes first. I’ve fought for relationships where the guy wasn’t meeting me halfway and I was the only one killing myself to make things work. It was so messed up! Now, the minute I feel that the relationship is making me feel stressed out and anxious, I step back. It’s not worth my inner peace to fight and it’s certainly not worth yours.
  5. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. If you have to fight for your guy or for your relationship all the time, you can’t be happy. Chances are, you’re blind to the reality that things are in a bad state. And really, if you’re struggling so much to make things work, what’s the point of being together?
  6. Changing yourself for a guy is a big no-no. I know there’s always room to improve yourself, but when it comes to relationships I refuse to get into the thought pattern that I’ve got to change myself to keep my partner around when I haven’t done anything wrong. Why should I? Nope! Don’t throw your power away like that. You’re not desperate.
  7. No one should be holding on until their hands ache. It’s a known fact: the more you hold onto something, the more it wriggles out of your hands. I’ve learned that it’s best to let things happen the way they’re supposed to. No one is going to walk away from you unless they want to, and if that’s the case, it’s better if they leave ASAP instead of wasting your time.
  8. You don’t want drama. In happy, healthy relationships filled with open communication, I’ve never had to fight. It’s only been in really toxic relationships that were filled with drama. In those instances, what the hell was I fighting for? To change someone? To try to make the relationship work against all odds? It’s not worth it, especially if they’re the reason why things are crap.
  9. It’s not a lack of love. I used to think that if you didn’t push through tough times, you didn’t love the guy you were with enough. It was total BS. You know that you’re a very supportive, loyal, and committed person but you’re also strong. You know when to walk away instead of fighting for something that’s not doing my needs justice.
  10. Life doesn’t “get in the way.” I roll my eyes when people say that they have to fight to keep their relationship on track because things get in the way, like bad timing or physical distance. Please, man. If both you and your partner are committed to each other, you won’t let those things get in the way. Yes, relationships can be hard work, but they shouldn’t be something you fight over or about.
  11. No one is worth the tears. Reality check: sooner or later, the guy you’re with will hurt you or you’ll hurt him. You might feel like you have to fight to keep things going but that’s really just a dramatic way of saying you’ve got to work hard to keep each other happy. I totally agree with making that effort, but if he’s hurt me you much that staying with him means lowering your standards, you definitely shouldn’t stay.
  12. Fighting doesn’t make it fate. There’s this weird belief out there that the more people fight in their relationships, the more they’ll have amazing relationships. That’s total crap. You want to be in a relationship that’s filled with harmony and happiness most of the time. Passion doesn’t have to come from massive arguments. In fact, those dramatic fights actually make you feel less passion.
  13. You’re not a chaserI used to be the type of person who’d work harder on relationships when the guys pulled away from me. It never worked. Now when a guy starts becoming distant, I silence the voice in my head that screams, “You’ve got to get him back! Do more! Be more! Work harder!” I’m more than enough just the way I am and if someone can’t see that, they don’t deserve my fight. Same goes for you. Remember that.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.