How To Figure Out If He’s A Grown Man Or A Little Boy Who’s Not Worth Your Time

Nobody wants to feel like their boyfriend’s mom, but sometimes deciphering if he’s a man who’s actually ready for an adult relationship and a man-child who’ll waste your time is easier said than done. If you’re not sure which side of the line your guy falls, start by asking yourself these 10 questions.

  1. Have you been able to criticize him without it leading to a fight? The happiest relationships are open and honest. If you haven’t been able to express that you’re unhappy with something he’s doing—whether it’s something small like not doing dishes or a bigger issue like lying—it’s a good indicator that he lacks the maturity to take criticism, put his pride aside, and listen to your needs.
  2. Does he initiate tough conversations? Long-term relationships grow and change, and that can be a strain on those involved. Tough conversations will need to be had. Who’s initiating them? If you’re the only one taking the initiative to bring up “the deep stuff,” he’s likely not thinking long-term and that’s a sure sign of a man-child.
  3. Do you feel compassion towards him or responsibility? There’s a fine line between being compassionate towards those you love and feeling like you’re responsible for their well-being. It’s important to show empathy, but at no point in a relationship should you feel like you’re taking care of your partner because you’re liable for their hardship.
  4. Do you know what his goals are? Not all goals have to be lofty and the stuff of fairytales, but is he working towards something and sharing that journey with you? Whether he wants to play on a rec sports team next season or save up money to buy a house, a man will be working towards something and will be proud to tell you about it. If he’s not, there’s a problem.
  5. Is he a changer or a complainer? Everybody needs to vent now and then, but mature partners will do so with the intent to overcome challenges. If your guy is complaining about something that’s within his control but won’t make the effort to change things, his lack of self-sufficiency is a red flag.
  6. Is he reliable? A mature man will follow through, both for you and his family or friends. He should be there for those he loves, whether it’s when they’re going through a difficult time or when they made dinner plans a week ago. A man shows up when a man-child doesn’t.
  7. How are things in the bedroom? Autonomy in the bedroom is a must. You should never feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to, but you should also feel like your needs are being met. A boy just cares about getting his rocks off but a grown man will make sure you get yours off too.
  8. Is he impatient or an investor? As people grow up, they should let go of their need for immediate gratification. Some of the best things take time, especially in relationships. A mature man will be happy to invest time, emotion, and energy into the things (and people) he values; a man-child expects to get what he wants without putting the work in.
  9. How does he act when you’re in groups? There are two extremes when it comes to how couples interact when they’re in a group setting: they’re either attached at the hip, or are complete satellites that are off doing their own thing. Ideally, you and your partner will be able to find a happy medium. He should be able to hold his own when meeting new people and be comfortable mingling on his own. If he’s into you, he’ll give you attention and affection as well. You shouldn’t feel like he’s keeping tabs on you or is your Siamese twin, but you should still feel like the other half of his team.
  10. Do you know where he stands? Men that are ready for a long-term relationship shouldn’t keep you guessing. You shouldn’t have to wonder where you stand or what he wants from you —he should take the initiative to tell you himself. Being able to clearly communicate his intentions and feelings towards you is a great indicator that you’ve found a fantastic man.
Emily Boudin is a marketing professional based in New York City. She also is an active advocate for women's issues and shares about her experience with sexual assault and abuse.
close-link
close-link